Esmond Isn't Feeling Jolly is episode 56 of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on November 4, 2000.
Christmas is approaching Lakeside City, and Edward is gung-ho on spreading holiday cheer, but his neighbor, Old Man Esmond, seems to be grumpier than usual. Meanwhile, Principal Walker gets a job as a mall Santa.
- Andrew Rannells as Edward, Paul, Oscar, Wyatt, Skipper, Christian, Kid #2, IRS Agent, The Narrator, Cop Chris and himself
- Josh Peck as Eric and Kid #3
- Dee Bradley Baker as Old Man Esmond, Hobo and Snake Handler
- Mike Pollock as Principal Walker and Santa Claus
- Frank Welker as Chip and Snakes
- Dan Green as Dallas and Dad
- Gary Sauls as Joey, Constantinos, Officer Owen, Department Store Clerk, Kid #4, Man and himself
- Edward Felker as Stanley, Bruce and Jacob
- Eric Stuart as Sebastian, Cal and Francis
- Clancy Brown as Bill
- Grey DeLisle as Whitney and Matilda
- John DiMaggio as Tony
- Rickey D'Shon Collins as Blake
- Angela Lansbury as Grandma
- Dan Castellaneta as Grandpa and Floyd
- Nancy Cartwright as Kid #1 and Esmond's Mom
- Dwayne Johnson as Tough Man and Esmond Doppelganger
- Tress MacNeille as Mom
Carver is mentioned at one point.
- A jazz version of "Deck the Halls" plays as the end credits theme.
- However, this does not play during the credits for Season 3 Volume 2's second disc.
- This episode is available on the Christmas Chronicles DVD and VHS, as well as the Season 3 Volume 2 box set.
- This was the last episode to premiere in 2000.
- While the text in the "The End" screen at the end of every episode is normally green, it is both green AND red in this episode in order to fit the Christmas theme.
- Walker calling himself “big-boned, not fat” is a reference to one of Eric Cartman’s catchphrases from the animated series, South Park.
- This is the second double-length episode that has a subplot focusing on Principal Walker. The first was The Hall of the Weens.
- The party hats that Edward and Joey wear in one scene are similar to the Beta Testing Hat and the 3rd Year Party Hat from the online game Club Penguin, respectively.
- This is one of the very few episodes where Esmond appears but doesn't die.
- However, he does go through immense pain from his eyes becoming Fireball Eyeballs in one scene.
- Eric saying Esmond probably "shot his eye out with a Red Ryder BB Gun as a kid" is a reference to the 1983 film, A Christmas Story.
- Walker pushing Eric down a slide and having him land in a pile of fluffy cotton is another reference to said film.
- The Delusional Mob is an obvious parody on The Salvation Army.
- Dwayne Johnson guest stars as the muscular man in the Toys 'R Us line. Johnson is well known for his role as a former professional wrestler for WWE, where he went under the ring name "The Rock".
- The working titles for this episode were "Jingle Ed" and "Let It Ed". The former was a play on words with Jingle Bells, and the latter being one with Let It Snow.
(The episode opens with a shot of a busy winter night in Times Square. People are shopping and eating at restaurants and whatnot, and we see Andrew and Jacob walking down the road)
Andrew: Oh, hey kids! It is I, Andrew Rannells - better known as the number one fan of Edward and Eric! Today, my mutt and I are shopping for the perfect Christmas tree. Jacob, why don't ya say hi to the nice folks watching us?
Jacob: (barks) I don't know why you dismissed my idea of a Christmas tree.
Andrew: Oh, you know darn well that your "tree" was just a tree-shaped air freshener! That's just way too cheap.
(Ironically enough, Andrew purchases a small Christmas tree for $1. The tree happens to be so small it can fit in his palm)
Andrew: Ah, now THAT'S a perfect tree! Smooth as my bottom.
Jacob: (barks) What a way to call me cheap, you cheapskate.
Andrew: (completely oblivious to Jacob's remark) Ya know, Jacob, this time of year sure does make me think of what Edward could be doing during this time of year. Like the time he tried to spread holiday cheer all across Lakeside City!
Jacob: (barks) I think you said "holiday cheer" too soon.
Jacob: Well, first of all, genius, you monologued so much that all the crowds are beating us to the stores.
Andrew: NOOOO!!!! Now I'll never get my book about the alphabets! Hey, Jacob, watch over our tree as I try to save ourselves a spot in line, eh?
(Andrew tries to dash into a line at Toys 'R Us, but he gets run over by a stampede of eager shoppers and he screams as he gets trampled)
Jacob: (barks) What a moron.
(The screen cuts to black, and eventually, a Christmas version of the theme song plays. The title card shows up, and as the title card track, a jazz version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" plays. The episode then officially begins with a shot of Lakeside's skyline at night)
The Narrator: Ah, Lakeside. the city where hypothermia can occur in July, and the education system is just made up.
(We see a few snowflakes begin to fall, which instantly turns into a massive blizzard)
(The next morning, there's around 8 feet of snow on the ground. In the sky, we can see the sun shivering and hugging itself for warmth)
(We see the citizens of Lakeside dealing with the snow, such as Skipper opening up Avenue A Apartment's front door, only for snow to pour inside)
(Floyd is seen driving a snowplow, when it is suddenly stopped by something in the road)
Floyd: What on earth was that?!
(Floyd exits the snowplow and finds Constantinos frozen in a block of ice)
Floyd: (picks up the frozen Constantinos) How many times do I have to tell you kids, don't play in the street! (Floyd throws Constantinos into Pearson Pizza to allow him to defrost)
(Edward is shown exiting the apartment through a door on the second floor, which seems to have been put in specifically for the purpose of exiting the apartment in these snowy conditions)
Edward: WOO-HOO! The snow is here! (Holds up a calendar with each day up until December 21 crossed out) And just in time for Christmas! Around the holidays, there's certainly no other place to be than here in Lakeside City!
(Edward tries to put on his turtleneck sweater, but he gets his neck stuck and he starts choking. Fortunately he properly puts it on just in time. He then sees Paul setting up some lights on top of the apartment building)
Edward: Hey, Dad!
Paul: Hey son! What do you think of these holiday lights?
(The lights are actually a large neon sign that reads "PIZZA")
Paul: This never fails to attract Santa. After all, the red guy gets fatter every year!
Edward: That's dedication if I ever saw it. (puts on a brown winter cap similar to Charlie Brown's) I'm off to go hang out with Eric and the rest, is that alright?
Paul: No problem. (slides down to the ground) In the meantime, I'll be baking a family favorite: fruitcake.
(Edward looks at the audience in disgust upon the mention of fruitcake. Eric walks out of the apartment with bits of fruitcake on his lips as Paul walks in)
Eric: Hey Edward. Looks like we got an early present with all this snow, eh?
Paul: (offscreen) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRUITCAKE?!
Eric: Let's get outta here.
(The brothers take off faster than the speed of light, and then they stop at a street pole, where they encounter Joey and Stanley)
Edward: Hey, guys!
Joey: I'm not in the mood, Four Eyes. Are you ready to head to the arcade? You said you couldn't go yesterday, and we were at least kind enough to say "oh, sure, that's fine"! Have you no respect, Four-Eyes?!
Edward: I'm sorry, Joey! I just wanted to spend the whole day yesterday making sure everybody in Lakeside had a gift.
Joey: Oh, right, I forgot. But I was still too focused on that arcade trip.
Edward: I'm sure your gift will be better than that arcade trip. Hey, speaking of presents, there's only one person who downright refused a gift.
(Cuts to Esmond in his apartment, who is microwaving a box of Frozen Dinner for the Lonely. Then, after taking his food out, he sits on his recliner and sighs, all while looking at pictures of his family, which are hung on his wall)
Esmond: (chows down on corn) Stupid Christmas. You're just a cruel reminder that the isolated people like me need love. Someone who will care for them. Something that makes them happy. Well, those are all things I don't have. (tears up) I'M ALL ALONE!!!!
(Cut back to the boys)
Stanley: Was it Principal Walker that didn't get a present?
Edward: No. I gave him a treadmill.
(Coincidentally, we see Walker walking his son, Chip, right down the other block)
Principal Walker: Well, son, this stinks. Christmas vacation is here, which means my job as a principal, is out the window. I'd rather have MYSELF out the window!
Principal Walker: What do you mean, "get a job as a mall Santa"?! Don't I get enough of dealing with handfuls like you at work AND at home?!
Principal Walker: Well, just consider yourself lucky you're not an actual dog, otherwise the Asian buffet would love you.
(Walker passes by a hobo)
Hobo: H-hey, kid, you wanna sit on my lap?
Principal Walker: (prepares to punch him) You want a knuckle sandwich?!
Hobo: Whoa, whoa, easy there, kid! (Walker stops) Y-you got any money?
Principal Walker: I'm not paying for your addictions. Pay yourself instead. (hands him a job application for MacDouglas')
Hobo: Well, tha-that's, (burps) that's no way to be kind. Santa will be mad at you!
Principal Walker: Oh, come on! With your whiskey breath, and how you're sitting here under the bridge begging people for cash, you just scream Christmas spirit to me!
Hobo: Yeah, well, I'm gettin' cash for the holidays! That's if I'm even alive. (passes out)
Principal Walker: Wait, you thought that was impressive?
Principal Walker: I guess you're right. Maybe I AM fit for being a mall Santa - with my flawless intimidation!
Principal Walker: As well as my body? (gets angry) WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!
(Cut to the boys looking through the window of Esmond's window)
Stanley: I don't get it. What makes Esmond so miserable around the holidays?
Eric: Maybe he shot his eye out with a Red Ryder BB Gun as a kid.
Edward: From my observations, he doesn't have much of his family left, and the fact that family gatherings are common on Christmas, it worsens his mood. Luckily, I'm here to change all of that.
Joey: What do you want us to do?
Edward: Alright, so here's the plan... (gathers everyone around and starts whispering)
Edward: I said... (whispering)
Joey: Can you speak up?
Edward: I am!
Joey: No you're not. (takes out the episode's script) The script for the episode says here that you whisper in a way the audience can't hear, just like any other cartoon!
Edward: Alright, alright! Look, the plan here is that on Christmas Eve, 4 days from now, we invite Esmond over to a dinner that he'll never forget! We'll also round up all of our friends. The dinner will be at our dad's restaurant, starting at 6:00 PM sharp. For now, I'll try to get Esmond into the Christmas spirit to pump him up.
Eric: (looking at the Pearson family's shopping list) That wasn't on our list!
Eric: Dad says we gotta go Christmas shopping for the rest of our family. You know, for our cousins and uncles and whatnot. Speaking of which, what happened to our Uncle Bruce? He said he went to go get milk for our aunt...
(Cut to a flashback of Eric playing hide-and-seek with his Uncle Bruce, however as he goes to look for him, he passes by some divorce papers that have been signed)
Uncle Bruce: I'M FREE!!!!
(Cut back to the real world)
Edward: That's...a long story that we'll discuss when you're older. Hey, maybe I can find something Esmond really wants at the mall!
(Cut to Lakeside City Mall, where Walker also happens to be at. He is being interviewed)
Department Store Clerk: So, you want to be this year's mall Santa, eh? Well, not many live to see their sanity afterwards, but are you really cut out from it - apart from your physical state?
Principal Walker: I'M BIG-BONED, NOT FAT!
Department Store Clerk: Chill out, Santa. Have a peppermint. (hands him one) Well, let's start this interview. Do you have a criminal record?
Principal Walker: Yup.
Department Store Clerk: Alright, you've got the job. (takes out Santa's outfit) Try this on and you're good to go.
(Ironically, the suit only barely fits Walker)
(Cut to Walker on a tiny chair)
Principal Walker: Step right up to see Santa Claus! Make some memories!
(We see a kid with his parents)
Mom: Don't you want to see Santa, dear?
Kid #1: I don't think I believe in him anymore.
Principal Walker: (offscreen) Give me some rent money, step right up!
Dad: Well, explain who gives you presents when you're asleep.
Kid #1: The mailman's brother-in-law's dog?
Dad: No! Santa!
(The kid walks up, with his parents on his side)
Principal Walker: Ho-ho-ho! Step right up, kid! Snatch $5 from your parents to sit on ol' Santa's lap!
Kid #1: $5?! Ay caramba, what happened to $1?!
Principal Walker: (gruntly) Look, kid, you don't wanna have a word with my son over there.
(Chip growls at the kid)
Principal Walker: So it's either $5 or bust.
(The kid stares at his parents, and his father sighs as he reluctantly hands him a $5 dollar bill)
Principal Walker: What would you like for Christmas, little boy?
Kid #1: I want you to eat my shorts.
Principal Walker: WHY YOU LITTLE-
Kid #1: Don't have a cow, man!
(Walker strangles the kid, but his parents clear their throats)
Principal Walker: Oh, (releases his grip) I'm just giving him a little head pat! (nervously chuckles)
(At the other side of the mall, the brothers are shopping)
Edward: Let's split up. You shop for the family - I shop for Esmond.
Eric: Edward, I don't think you understand Christmas. It's not about giving. It's about-
Edward: Spending time with relatives? Singing holiday songs in a choir? Oh, or what about the eggnog?
Eric: NO!!!!! It's about getting!
Edward: Eric, you get enough of getting during Thanksgiving. Display some courtesy for once.
Eric: Well, I have more courtesy than Tony Gibbler over there.
(Camera quickly pans to Tony checking out dozens upon dozens of food at the checkout)
Tony: I celebrate both Thanksgivings to ensure I'm well fed. The first time is for the Canadian one, the second is the American.
(Cut back to the brothers)
Eric: But I'm all in for singing a holiday song! (reaches his hand out to hold Edward's, and we see a disturbing closeup of Eric's unwashed hand, which has chicken grease, sour-cream-and-onion chip crumbs, and mustard)
Edward: (applies gloves to his hands) Uhh, sure. (holds his hand and clears his throat) Let's start from the top! Deck the halls with boughs of holly...
Eric: Fa la la la la, la ha ha ha!
(A man walks up to them and hands a $15 bill)
Edward: Wow, thank you, si-
Man: Don't take it personally; that's cash for singing lessons! (walks away and laughs)
(Camera cuts to the brothers about to split up)
Eric: Alright, let's do- (suddenly, he gasps) Edward, look! (runs off)
Edward: Uh, I don't think we can partake in that right now!
(Eric runs to meet "Santa", aka Principal Walker)
(We see Walker, who has another kid on his lap)
Kid #2: Are you really sure you're Santa?
Principal Walker: FOR THE LAST TIME: YES, I'M SANTA! NO, MY ELVES AREN'T HERE BECAUSE THEY'RE ON LEAVE OF ABSENCE!
Kid #2: (tugs Walker's fake beard) Are you really (his grip tightens) really, really, really, REALLY sure?
Principal Walker: (grunts, but gets an idea) Hey, look, a fad that'll die out in 2 weeks! You kids really love that stuff!
Kid #2: (gasps) Where? (runs faster than Usain Bolt needing to use the john)
Principal Walker: Well, that's one idiot out of the way.
(Eric immediately hops on his lap)
Principal Walker: (to the audience) But there's always more fish in the sea...
Eric: Hi, Santa! I'm your biggest fan!
Principal Walker: NEXT!
Eric: Wait! I want a talking pink unicorn-dragon-bunny hybrid for Christmas! And make him be voiced by a wisecracking movie star! Like the guy who voiced the genie-
Principal Walker: Ok, kid, look, I have reindeer to feed.
Eric: But, they're not here.
Principal Walker: I have to retrieve them from the abattoir, you hear me?
Eric: Will I still get my gift?
Principal Walker: You're holding up the line. (Eric frowns) And next time, ask for a football or something. Merry Christmas, kid. (pushes him down the stairs) Ho-ho-ho!
Eric: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! (lands in a pile of fluffy cotton)
Principal Walker: NEXT!
(Another kid sits on his lap)
Principal Walker: Happy holidays, kid! Ho-ho-ho! (whispers into his ear) Look into the camera and smile.
(They do so, nervously grinning)
Kid #3: Oh, Santa, what happens if I'm on the naughty list? I accidentally broke my mom's vase yesterday!
Principal Walker: Oh, ho-ho! Well, maybe we send you coal, but we also (we see paintings of Walker burning down an apartment with a flamethrower, pushing a kid in a shopping cart down a hill, and forcing a kid to lick a pole in frozen weather) have tiny little fits of rage!
(The kid starts crying)
Principal Walker: Uhh, (constipates extremely hard) begone, bad thoughts! Begone, bad thoughts! (an angry mother walks up to him) Uh oh.
(We see the following onomatopoeia close-up paintings: "WHAM!", "BAM!", "SLAM!" "THIS ISN'T A COMIC!", "YES BUT IT'S CHEAPER THAN DRAWING A DETAILED SCENE OF THE BEATING!", "WAIT, AREN'T STORYBOARDS TECHNICALLY VERY LONG COMICS?" and "OK, YOU GOT ME THERE")
Principal Walker: (stars circle his head) Ohhh... (gets back up) Last! (spins his head) No, wait! Next!
Kid #4: You're not Santa, (pulls down his fake beard, and puts it back on, slapping Walker's face) you're the guy who passed out at the happy hour restaurant!
Principal Walker: Oh boy.
(Later, Edward is struggling to get a tree out of the store)
Edward: Easy, easy, easy... (gets crushed by it)
(Eric walks out of the store and notices the fallen tree. He picks it up, and underneath we see Edward flattened like a pancake. Eric takes out a spatula from his rear and flips Edward over like an actual pancake. Edward reshapes himself)
Eric: Trees make good friends, Edward. Esmond will like this.
Edward: I just hope he won't turn it into paper, or worse.
(Camera immediately cuts to Edward knocking on Esmond's door)
Esmond: (grunts and looks through the peephole, and he sees a giant tree) Alright, where'd I put the chainsaw?
Edward: (looks at the audience in fear) Shoot!
(Esmond chainsaws the door down and tries to cut the tree down, but Edward takes off in fright)
(Later, Eesmond is watching TV. Edward climbs up to his window, and Esmond notices this, causing him to grunt. He advances towards the window and opens it)
Esmond: Make like a drum and beat it, kid.
Edward: (starts playing his acoustic guitar and sings) You better watch out, you better not cry! You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why!
(Esmond has a bored, indifferent expression)
Edward: Santa Claus is coming, to town!
Esmond: WELL YOU BETTER WATCH OUT BEFORE I SHANK YOU!!!!
(He slams the window on Edward, causing him to scream and fall several stories down to the ground)
(That afternoon, Esmond walks out of the apartment door to check his mail. He opens his apartment's mailbox, but sees Edward in there)
Esmond: Look, kid, what do you want from me? Isn't my eternal depression obvious to you?
Edward: I want to cheer you up and show you that there ARE people in the world who care about you. And you have three supportive friends right here. Me, my brother, and a jolly fellow at the North Pole right now.
Esmond: You say I have two friends, but there are TWO problems with that. For starters, there is no such thing as happiness, and two, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SANTA CLAUS!!!!
Esmond: I don't wanna yell at you any further - let me save my voice for crying. (flings the mailbox, which causes Edward to fly into outer space and scream)
(Edward lands on the moon so hard that it turns into a crescent)
(Later, he knocks on the door again. Esmond grunts more furiously, but is surprised at what he sees upon opening it)
(Edward has put up an entire show in the hallway, with Joey unwillingly dressed as an elf, and Edward happily dressed as Santa Claus)
Edward: Ho-ho-ho! Mr. Long Ears, our pal, Esmond, sure could use a big ol' smile.
Esmond: (creeped out) How does he know my-
Joey: (takes off the elf hat) Ed, you know how much I HATE theatre.
Edward: (whispering) That's not how the script goes!
Esmond: Wait a minute...
Edward: You pick that up right now!
Joey: Over my dead body.
(Esmond walks up to the play's switch box. He presses the red button, which shines a light on Joey that's so bright, it barbecues him to ashes. He screams bloody murder)
Joey: (his eyeballs are somehow still intact, and he is now amazed) Nice switch box.
Edward: Joey, you've gotta look at Esmond! If he's like this for the rest of his life, I don't know how he'll ever cheer up!
Joey: The days until Christmas is more time than the time he has left.
(After that, he knocks on the door once again. Esmond's face turns red, and he gets so angry the top half of his head explodes)
Esmond: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO, BUT I-
(The door forcibly swings itself open. Edward and Joey are holding a cake. Edward is wearing a pink-and-yellow party hat, and Joey is wearing a blue, orange and yellow one)
Edward: Happy birthday to you!
Joey: This is against my will.
Edward: Come on, make a wish!
Esmond: (inhales and blows the candles so hard that the duo gets burned) I wish you could shut your mouth!
(Edward's mouth instantly becomes a zipper)
Esmond: You too!
(Joey's mouth also becomes a zipper, and he angrily glares at Edward. He punches his arm)
(That evening, Edward is about to knock on the door once again, but Esmond quickly opens it and grabs his fist, squeezing it. His eyes become Fireball Eyeballs)
Esmond: FOR THE LAST TIME, EDWARD!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO GET INTO THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!!!!! I DO NOT SEE THE POINT IN BEING HAPPY FOR ONE DAY WHERE EVERYBODY'S ALL HAPPY ONLY TO BE MISERABLE LIKE ME IN THE NEXT!!!!!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!
Edward: Uhh, Esmond? Your eyes are still on fire.
(Esmond screams bloody murder)
Esmond: OH GOD EDWARD!!!!! (screams more) HELP ME! GIVE ME SOMETHING! (tries to put the fire out with his bare hands) QUICK!!!!
(Edward quickly takes off into Esmond's kitchen, desperately trying to find a fire extinguisher)
(Esmond reaches for his coffee table and grabs a bottle of hot sauce, mistaking it for an eye wash bottle. He sprinkles some of it on his eyes. However, it inevitably worsens the fire)
Esmond: (screams) IT BURNS! (screams again)
(Edward finally finds a fire extinguisher, but he realizes too late his shoe laces are untied, and the extinguisher is sent flying. It hits Esmond in the head)
(Esmond runs off screaming. He bursts into the Pearson apartment and heads into the restroom, where we hear somebody showering)
Esmond: (offscreen) Oh yeah, that's better.
Eric: (offscreen) Hey! I'm not done yet!
(Esmond quickly dashes out, screaming louder than before)
(Camera transitions to Walker counting his money)
Principal Walker: We're gonna be rich, son! (stacks several dollar bills as if they were bowling pins)
Principal Walker: Bad things are ahead?! Whaddya mean?! (looks outside his office's window, and sees a tall, bald man in a suit walking up to the door) Uh oh, I think I recognize that guy.
(The man pounds on the door, but before Walker can open it, the man bursts through the wall)
IRS Agent: Mr. Gaylord Walker, it looks like you'll have to be Santa in 10 years, because it turns out you are not eligible for this job.
Principal Walker: Of course I am!
IRS Agent: Well, the only thing that'd leave you adequate is your body.
(Walker clenches his fists and his teeth, the latter being an attempt to not punch him)
IRS Agent: I have come to inform you that you have 3 years worth of unpaid taxes. So we'll be collecting your wages to cover for it. (he confiscates all the piles of cash as Walker looks on in shock) And I'll be placing you under arrest for- (somehow, Walker has already ran out of the room) Hey, where'd he go?
(Walker dashes across the mall)
Principal Walker: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The agent runs after him, holding a baton)
(Walker hides himself behind a pole that is a lot thinner than him)
IRS Agent: I wonder where he went...
Principal Walker: Uhh, down there.
IRS Agent: Why thanks, pole. (takes off faster than the speed of light)
(Walker tip-toes out from behind the pole and continues running. He hops on a kiddie train)
(The train takes him to a faraway part of the mall, and he squeezes out once the ride stops. He wipes his forehead in relief, but screams upon seeing that the agent is right behind him)
(Suddenly, Walker takes a donut out of his pocket. The agent gets distracted by it and he sits and pants heavily like a dog)
Principal Walker: Come on, get it, boy! (throws the donut to a far distance) Go get it!
(The agent runs off, barking)
Principal Walker: Now, how am I gonna get all my cash back?
(He looks out the window, and sees a Delusional Mob building)
Principal Walker: (snaps his fingers) Bingo! (he quickly takes off)
(Camera cuts to Pearson Pizza. Edward sits down at a table, looking sad. In the background, Constantinos is still thawing, but nobody questions this)
(Paul walks up to him)
Paul: Are you alright, Ed?
Edward: Yeah, I'm fine.
Paul: You can always talk to me.
Edward: Dad, I'm fine. (Paul walks away; beat) Hey, hold the phone.
Paul: Whaddya need?
Edward: A large cheese pizza.
Paul: Large cheese pizza. (he walks into the kitchen)
(Joey walks up behind him, finger gunning the back of his head)
Joey: Bang, bang! You're dead! (beat) So, Four Eyes, why'd you summon us here? (he hops onto a chair)
Edward: It's about Esmond. I think I'm running out of options.
(Eric joins the scene)
Eric: So am I.
(Edward stares at him)
Eric: Because Dad isn't serving pretzel crust pizzas anymore!
(Stanley also walks in)
Stanley: And Father just gave me a good thrashing for not eating his fruitcake.
Edward: NO!!!!!!!!! NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Eric and Stanley are intimidated)
Edward: Sorry. But I meant I don't know how else to get Esmond happy. The party I planned here might just not come true.
Stanley: Well, it better, because free pizza means money won't be thrown out the window.
Joey: AND, I could really use some grub.
Edward: You guys just don't get it, do you?
(Paul walks up to the table, with the cheese pizza)
Paul: It's on the house.
(Eric, Stanley and Joey quickly eat the pizza)
Edward: That proves my point... (sighs and takes one of the last two slices)
(Dallas walks in)
Dallas: Sorry I'm late. What's going on, Edward?
Edward: It's Esmond. I could spend centuries trying to make him crack a smile, and my attempts would still be utter failures. (puts his head down) It's futile!
Dallas: Well, I don't mean any offense, but perhaps you're being a bit too persistent.
Edward: (sighs) I had a notion.
Dallas: Why don't you give him some breathing space, and then on Christmas Eve, you send him a letter telling him to come here? Hopefully we'll have the surprise set up by then.
Edward: Ya might be onto something. Thanks, Dallas.
(Constantinos walks up. His skin is pale and he's constantly shivering, but nobody notices this)
Constantinos: Hey guys, how's it goin'? (he sees Eric, Joey and Stanley, who are still eating) You gonna save some?
Stanley: You can have that last-
(Eric extends his tongue like a frog and uses it to eat the last slice)
(Freeze frame; this portion is cut out in home media releases)
The Narrator: It looks like Edward's in a pickle! Will he get Esmond into the Christmas spirit, or will he have to wait until next year? Stay tuned!
(Fade to black)
(Afterwards, we see Andrew laughing. Jacob is nowhere to be seen)
Andrew: Welcome back! Boy, I sure did miss you. Isn't that Esmond just an old cranky Humbug? (laughs again) He's such a buzzkill. Well, while you were watching, I waited a long time for the lines to clear!
(We see Toys 'R Us, which is completely deserted)
Andrew: And it looks like I'm in luck! WOO! (he quickly dashes off)
(They reach the front of one of the store's counters)
Andrew: Goodbye, long lines! Hello, toys! (he shakes in excitement) OH THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!
Jacob: (barks) Actually, you might wanna say hello to long lines.
Andrew: Eh? (turns around) JACOB! HOW DID YOU-
Jacob: You're actually in front of the line. The line's been here for hours.
(Camera pans out to reveal a muscular man right behind Jacob)
Tough Man: So get to the back, or else. (cracks his knuckles)
Andrew: No no no NO NOOOOOO!!!!! I WAS HERE FIRST!!!!
Tough Man: And pigs can fly. (grabs Andrew by the collar) Any last words, dillweed?
Andrew: (raises his fists) BRING IT ON!!!!!!
(The man headbutts Andrew so hard that he's sent flying across the store, causing him to scream. He lands in a seat on the store's Ferris wheel)
Andrew: (stars circle his head) Ohhh...
(Suddenly, the impact causes the Ferris wheel to detach from the ground, and it rolls across the store)
Andrew: What the-?! (he looks down and gasps) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(Everybody screams and runs out of the ride's way. Eventually, it crashes through a wall. Andrew gets up from the debris)
Andrew: (coughs) Well, enjoy the rest of the show...
(Fade to black. The following scene is cut out on home media releases due to there being no commercials. The camera returns to Lakeside, where we see a shot of its skyscraper)
The Narrator: The last time we were in Lakeside, Walker hatched a scheme, and Esmond was being quite grouchy. Let's see how our friends are doing, shall we?
(We see Walker running out of The Delusional Mob, and he's carrying bags of money in his arms)
Principal Walker: (laughs maniacally) Fear me, Lakeside! Christmas is getting postponed for next year because Santa's taking a vacation!
(Suddenly, we hear sirens, and an entire police force pulls up. Walker becomes shocked)
(Owen and Chris exit their car)
Cop Chris: I just wanna spend time with my family today.
Officer Owen: Unless you want me to beat you with my child's stocking, you better get goin'!
(Walker quickly climbs up an apartment building)
Principal Walker: I just made a withdrawal - there are no issues, officers!
Officer Owen: (sighs and takes out his walkie-talkie) Dispatch the K-9 unit.
Snake Handler: (on the walkie-talkie) Can't you just use your weapons?
Officer Owen: TV-Y7 REGULATIONS! NOW GO!
(A truck pulls up in an instant, and the handler shows up with a bunch of angry, hissing snakes. Walker gets frightened, but then he quickly comes up with an idea. He jiggles all the change in the money bags, which causes the snakes to go insane)
(They attack the handler, and he screams bloody murder)
(Walker performs some swift acrobatics to jump off and he lands on the ground without any trouble. He runs down an alleyway. He jumps over a fence and continues running, panting heavily)
(Suddenly, he sees that the street he just went to is barricaded with police roadblocks. He drops the money bags, kneels down and puts his hands in the air, accepting his fate)
Principal Walker: Well, at least I'm going somewhere warm...
(Camera cuts to the Pearson apartment. Edward is setting up the tree that was supposed to go to Esmond)
Edward: Well, I guess we'll keep this tree I was gonna give to Esmond. (sighs) I just can't seem to make him happy.
Eric: Hey, we could always alter the past!
Edward: Eric, wait, don't you remember last time?! What if you step on an insect?! Or get us eaten again?!
Eric: I'll be more careful-er. (he starts running so fast that he runs through time)
Edward: (struggles to keep up) Eric, wait! WAIT!!!
(Eric ends up at some point in the past. He's in Esmond's apartment)
Eric: Alright, here we are: last year's Christmas! He wasn't as miserable as before, we'll surely make him happy here!
(Edward runs into the scene, heavily panting from exhaustion)
Edward: Eric, you're forgetting one detail.
(Esmond breaks the door down with a kick)
Edward: He took self-defense lessons that day and pulverized us!
(Esmond takes out a boxing glove)
Edward: With a boxing glove! THAT HAD NAILS INSIDE!
(The brothers scream in terror as they run through time again. They end up further in the past, and everything is in black-and-white)
Edward: What the-?
Eric: See, Edward? I told you the world was in black-and-white before.
Edward: (notices something) Shh!
(We see a young Esmond, who is being patted on the head by his parents)
Eric: Time to make history.
(Suddenly, we hear a shotgun being cocked. Esmond's father is holding a double-barreled shotgun)
Esmond's Father: We don't tolerate burglars around here.
(The brothers dodge the gunshot on time and they scream as they run further through time. However, they end up running so fast that they're now in the creation of the universe)
Eric: Oops, too far.
(They run forwards through time, but end up running so fast they are now at the end credits)
Edward: WAY TOO FAR NOW!
(They run again, and are now back in the present)
Edward: Eric, I keep apprising you, this is futile now. So let's just plug in this tree and pretend today never happened.
Eric: Way ahead of you. (he moves the tree around, but it accidentally lands in Edward's mouth, who screams as the tree occupies his skull) Oops, sorry!
Edward: ERIC, ARE YOU CRAZY?!
Eric: No, I'm Eric.
(Edward stares at the audience and facepalms)
Edward: Just help me already! (starts choking on the tree)
Eric: Alright, hold still.
(Eric does the Heimlich Maneuver on him, and Edward spits out the tree, but the tree bounces across the living room. The brothers scream, and they take cover in the couch cushions)
Eric: Now I'm never gonna get that unicorn I wanted.
Edward: The only gift I could ask for is Esmond being happy.
Eric: WOULD YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT?!
(Edward frowns and literally zips his mouth)
(The brothers exit the couch cushion, and they tip-toe, but then the Christmas tree hits Edward on the back of his head)
Edward: You know what? I'd rather wait outside until Christmas Eve in the insufferable cold than have my hopes down!
Eric: Are you sure? You'd miss out on quite a lot.
Edward: Like what? Moping?
Eric: No! The cinnamon eggnog.
Edward: I can drink that year-round.
Eric: Or writing letters to Santa.
Edward: I have next year for that.
Eric: Or the constant A Christmas Story reruns!
Edward: We have it on VHS.
Eric: Oh, or the tree decorating! (Edward is already outside) Edward? (shrugs) Well, I'll do the honors. (flips the scene, cutting to a time card)
The Narrator: Two days later...
(It's the night before Christmas Eve. Santa Claus is operating his sleigh, barely arriving at Lakeside)
Santa: Ho-ho-ho! Just going for a test drive! (suddenly, he gasps) Oops! Took a wrong turn!
(He crashes into the moon so hard it turns into a crescent, but he laughs it off and continues riding his sleigh)
Santa: Well, no dilly-dallying. Ho-ho! (suddenly, he whiffs the air) I sense depression.
(Santa parks his car at Avenue A Apartment, but then Officer Owen passes by and gives him a ticket. In the background, Edward is frozen, just like Constantinos)
Floyd: Not again! (grabs Edward's frozen corpse)
(Santa looks peeved upon getting the ticket, and he teleports into the apartment)
Santa: I must help such a person in need! And quickly!
(Instead, he takes the long way instead by walking, taking the elevator, and walking upstairs)
(In Joey's apartment, he is practicing Christmas songs)
Joey: Ummmm, ok, here's this one. (clears his throat, and he starts singing, horribly as usual) On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me-
(Esmond's head bursts through the wall)
Esmond: Divorce papers, a restraining order, and all your children! (his head quickly goes back to his apartment)
(Joey is left looking confused)
(Santa is about to go in Esmond's apartment by opening the door)
Santa: Oh yeah. (teleports in)
(When Esmond is about to turn on the TV, he sees Santa)
Esmond: Burglar! (he jumps towards him in slow motion) MELODRAMATIC SLOW-MO! (suddenly, he stops upon seeing the "burglar" is...) Santa?! (falls backwards in slow motion)
Santa: Ho ho ho! Well, who else? Jack Frost?
Esmond: (still on the floor) That laugh, and a corny obligatory holiday-themed one-liner. That only means one thing.
(Esmond doesn't even hesitate to get back up and take out his shotgun, aiming it at Santa's head)
Esmond: Now I don't know who invited you in here, Big Red, but if you don't get out in five seconds, you're gonna be sorry, and I will-
(Santa snaps his fingers, and the gun vanishes from existence)
Santa: I'm already sorry, Grandpa. Jeez, is it President's Day already?
Esmond: You cannot be Santa Claus. There's just no way. Now tell me your identity (prepares to punch him) before I-
(Suddenly, Santa wiggles his nose, causing Esmond to get locked by a telekinesis)
Santa: Actually, there IS a way! (he takes out his wallet, showing several pictures) Here's a picture of Christmas, 1956. (we see a picture of a young Esmond screaming and running away from Santa at a mall, and the camera pans down to Santa delivering presents in Esmond's childhood home) Christmas 1958. (and the final picture is Esmond catching Santa sleeping with his mother, with his father opening the door in shock) I forgot when this was taken.
(Esmond drops to the ground, and he slaps himself)
Esmond: It IS you! But why?! Why did you come all the way to me, Ghost of Christmas Annoying?
Santa: Well, funny story: I was gonna remind you about something important.
Esmond: Well, what is it?
Santa: Something that might change your unhealthy lifestyle.
Esmond: Spit it out! I can take it!
Santa: Something very personal and devastating.
Esmond: JUST SAY IT ALREADY!
Santa: (hands him a paper) Your electric bill came in the mail yesterday.
Esmond: Oh. Right.
Santa: And, uhh, I can sense you're depressed. (sits down on his recliner) Lawrence, sit down.
Esmond: Uhh, that's my only seat in the-
Santa: (in a demonic voice, with live-action fire as the background) I SAID SIT DOWN.
(Esmond anxiously plops on the floor)
Santa: On my way to deliver presents, my obligatory Santa senses indicated you're depressed because not much of your family is left, and Christmas is-
Esmond: All about giving, and family, bla bla bla. Get to the nitty gritty.
Santa: Well, you have people in your life who truly care about you. I know it may not seem like it, but you do. Look, Mrs. Santa divorced me decades ago because I'm always working, working, working, but with my elves in my life, I can still feel partially whole. And you have that Edward kid. He's been working hard to make you happy.
Esmond: Oh yeah, that nuisance.
Santa: Ho-ho! More than just a nuisance, Lawrence. He's a friend who wants to see the best in you!
Esmond: A best in me? Come on, you're kidding now. You're kidding, I know it!
Santa: There's always a good in everybody. Well, except Mrs. Claus. Although that'll change if she gets my kids back. (he grins, but then she pops out of nowhere to whack him in the head with a frying pan, and he shakes off the damage) But you're never as bad as you think you are. Think you're boring? That's why you try new stuff, Lawrence. Yes, you might suck at things a lot at first, but-
(Esmond is already asleep, with Santa saying "bla bla bla" repeatedly in the background
Santa: And that Edward kid? Jumping gingerbread! You just don't understand him. Always appreciate acts of kindness; nobody will be here on this planet forever. Cherish the good stuff.
Esmond: SOMEONE FAST-FORWARD THIS ALREADY!
(Cut to the live-action world, where Gary Sauls is drawing the storyboard)
Gary Sauls: Hey, you don't see me telling you what to do!
Esmond: Well, I never agreed to be drawn!
Gary Sauls: Touché.
(The scene fast-forwards)
Santa: So trust me when I say Edward has something you should look forward to!
Esmond: So you mean I should look forward to something bad?
Santa: Nope! And it all happens tomorrow!
(In just the wiggle of his nose, time changes to...)
(...the past. As a result, Esmond is back to his younger self)
Esmond: Wait, this isn't right! (runs downstairs) Santa, I demand you- (gasps upon seeing Santa kiss his own mother) This, is a bad time, isn't it?
Santa: Oops! I've caused a time paradox! (the scene restarts) I've caused a time paradox! (and again) I've caused a time para- ugh. (snaps his fingers, undoing it) Hey, let me enjoy this one last time.
Esmond's Mom: Esmond's a grown man; don't stop this.
(Camera cuts to a disturbing closeup of a grown, muscular man who resembles Esmond)
Esmond Doppelganger: Who's Esmond? (walks away, revealing the actual Esmond behind him)
(Santa looks creeped out. In just the wiggle of his nose, Santa fixes time by sending the world to the present (no pun intended))
(Cut to a time card)
The Narrator: That evening...
(Esmond is reading the newspaper, but he hears a knock on his door)
Esmond: (sighs and opens the door. He sees nothing, but then looks down) I didn't order pizza, but free pizza's free pizza.
(Eric pops out of nowhere and whacks Esmond's forehead with a metal pipe, knocking him out cold)
Edward: ERIC! THAT WASN'T THE PLAN!
Eric: Not like we can ask him kindly anymore. Help me with the body. (grabs his legs)
Edward: No! This is immensely unethical and ill-mannered!
(Joey appears from thin air, knocking Edward over, landing on his head which snaps his neck)
Joey: Don't mind if I do! (grabs Esmond's head and helps Eric fit his body into a large red bag, which he then ties up) Let's roll.
Edward: (heals his neck by putting his head back on) Ugh. (walks off)
(We see the trio nearing Pearson Pizza with the rest of The Lucky 6, as well as Tony and Skipper. Blake catches up)
Blake: Sorry for being late, had to ditch Carver.
Edward: Blake! You're just in time! Why, we-
(Suddenly, Esmond starts kicking in the bag)
Eric: Kicking just like a baby.
Joey: So, we ditch it?
Eric: No! (he unties the bag, and they carry Esmond)
Esmond: YOU HOOLIGANS KIDNAPPED ME?!
Eric: No, it's like taking you to school because you don't wanna go but you have to anyway for your own good.
(Joey punches his arm)
Joey: No! We're gonna make you happy because you can't even crack a smile, Weak Hips!
(Dallas punches HIS arm)
(Camera cuts to the inside of the restaurant)
Bruce: So, "Happy Hanukkah", right?
Francis: No! "Merry Christmas"!
Bruce: Francis, this is exactly why you have your name tattooed onto your arm.
Paul: GUYS! Shhhh.
(After a continuous round of punching each other...)
Dallas: Mr. Esmond, we're sorry about the inconvenience (glares at Eric and Joey) THEY caused. (he lets Esmond go from their grip) We were supposed to just invite you. And we think you'll really like what we have in store for you.
Tony: We want to show you Christmas is, (gulps) more than just the food.
Skipper: We want to show you that you DO have people in your life who care about you. (they reach the front door, and he opens it) And they're all right here!
(The rest of The Lucky 6's friends and the Pearson family are all seen in the restaurant)
Everyone: Merry Christmas, Mr. Esmond!
(Esmond looks like he's about to kill them)
Esmond: ARE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU INSANE?!
(Everybody slightly backs away)
Esmond: This is probably the kindest anybody has ever done for me, even if I was kidnapped me all the way over here.
Constantinos: (still shivering from earlier; under his breath) He can't complain here.
Esmond: And I want to thank you guys, for making Christmas a lot better for me. And I can safely say, I AM feeling jolly!
Joey: Isn't that-
Esmond: (walks up to Edward) And Edward, thank you especially.
Edward: But, all I've ever been to you was a pest. I should've approached this in a more orderly manner. (looks down in disappointment) Surely you can concur you deserve better than me.
Esmond: No, Edward, I was the pest. I never appreciated how caring you were to me, and you went great lengths to prove you cared.
Paul: I'll make pizza on the double!
Grandma: I'll help with gingerbread men.
Tony: Hey, Mrs. Edward's grandma, mind if I be the "taste tester"?
Matilda: Our nephews sure have some weird friends.
Francis: I guess it's not like your book club must have weird friends either.
(Cut to Matilda's friends having a lightsaber-and-chainsaw duel while zapping each other with their heat vision)
(In the kitchen, Paul unveils a baking machine)
Paul: (to Grandma) You're in luck! Last year, Edward invented this here gingerbread baking machine. Just grab a uniform and you're good to go!
(In the background, Constantinos is seen getting sucked into the machine, crushed into goo, and turned into a gingerbread man)
Constantinos: (weakly) I just wanted to know the Muffin Man.
(Constantinos lands on a plate, and Tony bites his head off. Christian cringes in disgust)
Tony: Fantastic! Say, where's Constantinos? He'd love this.
(We hear faint screaming, but Tony shrugs it off and continues eating)
Tony: Keep 'em going! They make me scream for more! (chuckles)
Christian: I hope you never discover the, "secret ingredient".
(At the biggest dinner table, Bill winces in disgust at a plate of pizza. Tony walks by)
Tony: Looks appetizing.
Bill: Oh, my wife? She's available.
(Whitney slaps Bill so hard he gets sent back to the Big Bang, where he witnesses the explosion)
Whitney: Yeah, say that about me... (grumbles)
(At the other seats, we see The Lucky 6, the Pearson family and the rest of the 6's friends)
Stanley: Esmond, my dear chap, as a token of gratitude, I want to give you a $200 bill.
(Stanley tries to toss him it, but it magically goes around in circles in the air and back in Stanley's hand)
Blake: Here's another present, Mr. Esmond. (gives him a jacket with an illustration of a snowman on it) To stay warm.
Edward: And another one! (hands him a wrapped present) Given from a special someone, to me, and now to you!
Esmond: (shakes it, unwraps it, and gasps) A Red Ryder BB Gun!
Eric: Guess I'm not always wrong.
Esmond: Edward, how did you know?!
Edward: A special jolly someone in red told me. I have acquantices from Antarctica who have direct contact with him. In fact, he'll be here any second!
(Santa teleports in the restaurant, and everyone screams, also causing him to scream. The more they scream, the more the camera does a close-up)
Joey: (to the camera) Get that thing away from me.
(The camera zooms out)
Santa: Why, the one and only! I figured I'd grab some grub before I take off for my journey. Paul, you know the usual!
Paul: (hands Santa a large plate) Anchovy pizza, on the house!
Grandma: Gingerbread men, too!
Grandpa: And don't forget "back in my day" stories!
Santa: Ho-ho! Back in my day, we didn't have to deal with foolish "back in my day" tales!
(Everybody laughs, and they all sit down at the table)
Santa: Hey! And then I said, "That's not a reindeer, that's Mrs. Claus!"
(Everybody laughs again)
(While everyone is chattering, Esmond faces Edward)
Esmond: Edward, I still can't thank you enough. Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever.
Edward: No, Esmond, thank you. I'm glad to be a friend of yours.
(Paul gives Esmond his plate, but once Esmond looks down, he sees it has somehow already been eaten)
Eric: (burps) Don't you just hate it when the waiter makes it look like your food is ready, but it's for someone else?
(Esmond gets so angry his face turns red, and he chases Eric, but nobody questions this, even as they run out of the restaurant)
Edward: (shrugs and speaks to the audience) Ok, not ALL things change.
(Camera cuts to the outside of the restaurant as we hear everybody in the restaurant still chattering. It goes upward to the moon. The camera fades to the Lakeside City Correctional Facility, where Walker is in his cell in a prison jumpsuit)
Principal Walker: Well, all that's left is 3,287 days and then I'm out of here. Look alive, kiddos, since I guess the Easter Bunny is replacing me.
(Suddenly, Santa teleports outside of his cell)
Principal Walker: (gasps) THE REAL SANTA CLAUS!
Santa: Not to fret, Gaylord Walker. I've decided to reward you with a gift for your deeds.
Principal Walker: Is it, my profits from earlier?
Principal Walker: A gingerbread house with extra gumdrops?
Santa: Not precisely. (his watch beeps) If you can excuse me, my journey begins now. (teleports out)
Principal Walker: Bail money; it's gotta be that. (unwraps it)
(Coal immediately explodes from the box like an active volcano)
Principal Walker: Bad move, Santa. BAD move.
(Camera instantly cuts to Walker using his coal to throw rocks through Santa's windows and burn down the North Pole. He laughs maniacally, but then Santa snaps his fingers, causing Walker to get sent to outer space)
The Narrator: But did you know the funds went to something useful?
(Camera cuts to a truck unloading a lifetime supply of tennis balls at Walnut Way Apartment. Chip barks happily)
The Narrator: It looks like Edward is right. And also don't forget that kidnapping your elderly neighbor is wrong. But whether you take my word for those or not, we can all agree this Christmas surely made Edward's year go out with a bang.
(Fade to black)
(We see Andrew again)
Andrew: Great story, eh kids? Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything for Christmas.
Jacob: But I did.
Andrew: Ooh, really? Well, skin me alive! What is it?!
Jacob: It's something originating from deep down in my heart.
Andrew: Come on, just tell me!
Jacob: You'd be surprised at it.
Andrew: I CAN'T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!
(Jacob gives him an overdue rent notice)
Andrew: Oh no!
Jacob: Well, you took too long finding something.
Andrew: Jacob, where's my college funds?!
Jacob: I gave them away to charity.
Jacob: Trust me, it's going to a greater cause. They could save the trees, or help out endangered species, or...
(While Jacob is talking, Andrew gasps for air and proceeds to let out a Big "NO!". He cries afterwards)
The Narrator: We hope you have a happy holidays, and a merry Christmas. Unless you're Andrew; you'd only have luck in a parallel universe.
("The End" screen)
(If you're watching the episode on Boomerang or home media, a jazz version of Deck the Halls plays as the end credits theme)