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Founding Dorks is episode 109a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on July 3, 2004.

Synopsis

The Narrator tells the true story of how Lakeside was founded.

Cast

  • Andrew Rannells as The Narrator

Edward, Eric, Joey, Stanley, Dallas, Constantinos, Carver, Blake, Gurney, Lola, PaulTony, Skipper, Charles, Christian, Cal, Buford, Travis, Larry, Luke, Peter, Igor, Abdul, and Ollie all make silent appearances as the historical figures.

Trivia

  • This is the only episode of the entire series where there is only one voice actor.
    • This is also the only episode where Edward appears, but doesn't have any lines.
  • Shortly after this episode premiered, there was a quiz on www.kidswb.com that tested the reader's knowledge on the history of Lakeside. This quiz is now archived on Chatterbox Productions' official website.
  • Although this episode premiered in 2004, it was produced in 2003 according to the copyright date at the end of the credits.

Transcript

(Instead of the traditional title card, the title of the episode is white text on a black background; same goes for the opening credits)

The Narrator: Tonight, you will witness the premiere of a major TV event: Part one of the story of a remote Dutch trading post located off the East Coast, which eventually became the stinky armpit of the country, Lakeside. The sixth borough of New York City nobody chooses to remember. Lakeside captured our dull imaginations, and held our dreams close to its hairy chest, gently drowning us in its abs.

(We see a relaxing shot of Lakeside's current skyline)

The Narrator: It is the site of some of mankind's most palatial achievements and also the current haven for high rent, high crime rates, and overpriced tourist traps. This documentary is brought to you by (we see the logo for...) Peach Tree National Bank - where we cut budgets every year for totally false cases of embezzlement, and (we also see the logo for...) Lactose Lord. Where reservations aren't necessary.

(Cut to a shot of a typical busy day in downtown Lakeside)

The Narrator: Take a look at the microcosm known as Lakeside City. Millions of people -  or millions of souls crying out - piled on top of each other like kittens in a small bag. This is a borough with so much history and the history of the modern world, more specifically for people who can't even read a map.

(We see the title of the documentary: "A History of Lakeside")

The Narrator: A history of corruption, lies, decadence and capitalism: it's A History of Lakeside.

(We see Edward paddling a wooden canoe on a stormy night in the ocean)

The Narrator: On September 5, 1609, English explorer Harry Sauls was hired by the Dutch to find a place free from typical 17th-century problems, including slavery and hunger. (Edward does the following) He steered his ship into the mouth of a lake named Lakeside Lake by the local natives. Speaking of which, Lakeside wasn't always called Lakeside. It was called "Rotterdam", which means "17th-century town". Duh. Now, Rotterdam was a quiet island at bay, but it didn't stay that way for long. (Edward explores the island)

(Camera pans out to reveal the lake ridden with debris)

The Narrator: For one, the lake was already polluted from natives expelling their own waste into the water. Really makes you forget about the horrible genocides.

(Cut to a shot of citizens walking around Rotterdam)

The Narrator: (Ollie is seen, forcing Igor and Abdul to grow corn) Rotterdam was founded by the Dutch, who wanted liberal values, but honestly, (Cal writes down some song lyrics on mud, but gets whipped by Ollie, making him return to work in a jiffy) they really cared about enslaving women and becoming the first rappers.

The Narrator: They wanted a place where they could (Carver is about to behead Constantinos) kill people (Buford is riding a cow like a horse) and party. (cut to Joey feeding his chickens, but getting pecked by them) Unlike other cities at the time, which were promoting religious intolerance, Rotterdam had 24-hour convenience stores, (Stanley is selling Peter a phony compass rose) and people getting rich off of other people's work.

(Paul is delivering milk to local cabins)

The Narrator: It's essential to know when the Europeans arrived, they met brute savages here. (Eric walks around in a loincloth, scaring Tony and Skipper) Just imagine being prepared to take over a foreign land, only to see large, bulky people in loincloths the instant you arrive. It made it difficult to focus on problems, such as the bubonic plague or getting married at 12.

(We see Edward setting down a sign that reads, "Welcome to Lakeside! Great to visit, better to leave!")

The Narrator: Once Lakeside was founded, they wanted to rename Rotterdam, so everybody settled down with the name "Lakeside", (we see its name in large text) derived from the ancient word, "Layk-syde", which means "worst place in America", or "a place with many, many, many, many, many skyscrapers."

(Lakeside gets more and more crowded)

The Narrator: Lakeside quickly expanded its ego. They learned to hate everybody, and they eventually called themselves "the capital of the world". (we see a picture of 17th-century Lakeside) Advertisements were sent over to Europe, promising a new life in a new city that has (a picture of Fill 'Er In pops in) 24-hour stores, (and Francis Fairbrace's) roller coasters, (a CRT television) TVs, (a Bullseye store) Bullseye stores where you can get toilet paper at midnight, (a Taco Smell exterior) Taco Smell restaurants open 'till 3am, and entertaining nightly concerts.

(We see a street fair occurring)

The Narrator: Why yes, Lakeside WAS the borough of the future. (we see Gurney sailing a large ship) Europe wanted to get a glimpse what freedom looked like. (Blake looks around with a telescope) They were heading to Lakeside because the word "liberty" was unknown to them.

(The ship arrives. Gurney, Blake and Lola depart)

The Narrator: Remember what I said about Lakeside being slave-free? Yeah, the Europeans changed that. (another ship arrives, filled with lots of handcuffed people) In 1614, slave ships from Europe and Latin America were brought over to Lakeside; Harry saw how profitable the slave craze was.

(There's a long line of people)

The Narrator: It was HUGE. It was like waiting for a new pager. People would wait in line at the docks for days to buy their very own human, only to sell them for a higher price via a little gift from the aliens called "dial-up Internet". (the screen begins inflating) The economy was so big (we see live-action stock footage of a nuclear explosion) it blew up!

(Constantinos is complaining to Carver)

The Narrator: Despite being a nation founded on genocide and slavery, some complained about this. (Constantinos gets buried alive publicly, with several people watching) And they were permanently imprisoned and punished for being..."unpatriotic".

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