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Scary Movie is episode 20b of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on June 19, 1999.

Synopsis

It's Friday, which means it's movie night for The Lucky 6. But when they decide to watch a horror movie, Constantinos gets traumatized by it. A few nights later, it all gets restless when he enlists Edward's help to conquer his fears.

Cast

Sierra makes a silent cameo appearance.

Trivia

  • Happy Sponge Chase Vibes by Nicolas Carr serves as the title card track to this episode.
  • Although this episode premiered in 1999, the copyright date at the end of the credits is 1998.
  • Match Boy and Match Girl were supposed to appear in this episode, but were removed since they were deemed irrelevant to the plot.
  • At the end, The Lucky 6 (except for Constantinos) literally runs into the sunset - as in, they ran to the Sun. The Sun is 93,000,000 miles away from Earth. Assuming the average person can run 7 continual miles, it would take them 1,239 days of nonstop running. But what's impressive is that they all ran to the Sun within a few seconds.
    • To sum it up, The Lucky 6 is MUCH faster than the speed of light.
  • This episode is actually a leftover from Season 1, but was delayed until Season 2 for unknown reasons.
  • The movie The Lucky 6 decides to watch is a parody of Child's Play.
  • Constantinos saying he "ain't afraid of no dolls" is a reference to the original Ghostbusters theme song.
  • The Green Sisters 2010 is a parody of Blues Brothers 2000.

Transcript

(The episode opens in The Lucky 6's headquarters)

Edward: Well, guys, it's Friday night. And you know what that means.

Everyone: MOVIE NIGHT! (a party horn can be heard)

Joey: I'm calling it: last one to the theater gets to eat rotten clams!

Edward: It's "last one there IS a-

(Everybody has already taken off)

Edward: Shoot.

(The Lucky 6 is racing down the street to the movie theater)

(Dallas hops over a fence. Edward opens the fence's door and then closes it. Eric somehow squeezes himself through the fence's tiny hole)

(Eric hops on cars in heavy traffic, which all honk at him)

(Stanley snatches mustard containers from a hot dog vendor and sprays mustard all over the sidewalk, causing Joey to slip and fall into the sewers)

(Dallas jumps across buildings, performing swift acrobatic moves)

(Edward is running down an alleyway, pantng in exhaustion and slowing down to catch his breath. Suddenly, he spots rubble from a dumpster. He applies hand sanitizer, puts gloves on, grabs the trash, constructs them into a jet pack and takes off in it)

(In the sewers, Joey is paddling an inflatable boat through the dirty waters, but then the camera pans out to reveal a furious alligator pursuing him. It bites the boat, causing it to deflate. Joey salutes as he sinks to his doom)

(Edward lands his jet pack at the front of the theater, but then it turns out Stanley has already made it)

Edward: Huh?!

Stanley: Sorry, chap, but I already bought the tickets. (opens the door) After you.

(The rest of The Lucky 6 walks in, looking defeated. However, Joey looks angry)

Joey: And after (he slams the door so hard, both doors crush Stanley) YOU!!!!

(At the concession stand, the gang is getting their own food and beverages)

Constantinos: (putting some mustard in his hot dog) So guys, what are we seeing?

Edward: (looking at the ticket) Well, according to the authorized-

Constantinos: Wait, wait! Didn't we agree on Cosmic Battles: The Ghost Hazard?

Dallas: They're not showing that. Not for another century.

Edward: (in the background) DON'T rub it in.

Constantinos: Or The Green Sisters 2010?

Edward: That's on video now, Constantinos. (looking at the ticket, and if you look closely, the ticket reads "ALL AGES ADMITTED") The authorized ticket claims we're seeing Funny Business.

(Constantinos is shocked, and the camera zooms up to him three times, playing a dramatic cue each time. He melts into a puddle out of fright)

Joey: (laughs) Don't tell me you're scared of dolls now.

Constantinos: (reconstitutes himself) No, not me. I-I'm not lying!

Joey: Oh, you know what we do to liars.

Constantinos: No, please! I'm no liar!

Joey: We give them a (kicks him in the balls) KICK TO REALITY!!!!

(Constantinos screams in pain, and collapses to the floor, eventually flopping like a fish and gasping for oxygen)

(Joey turns around, only for Dallas to knee HIM in the nuts. Joey ends up with the same fate as Constantinos)

Dallas: And that's a kick to courteousy.

Joey: (high-pitched voice) Mother?

(In the showing room, the gang walks in with their food and sodas. They sit down in the middle, and Joey is holding a cane because of earlier. Constantinos is shivering and sweating)

Constantinos: U-uhhhhh, g-g-g-guys? M-may I go to the... the...

Eric: What, and miss the trailers? They give you a great reason to eat early and come back later for refills!

(The lights dim, and the screen turns on. Constantinos' eyes turn wide)

Eric: Ok, here we go! (the screen turns white) Wow, movie's starting already? (but it's just a logo starting up) Oh. (under his breath) I hate logos.

Constantinos: (whispers) I don't need to go anymore.

(Camera transitions to the movie beginning. We see the logo: "FUNNY BUSINESS: CXL". Constantinos is biting his fingernails so much that they fill up his empty popcorn bucket)

Eric: (gasps) More for me! (starts eating Constantinos' fingernails)

(His sweat fills up his empty soda cup as well, which Eric loudly slurps)

(In the movie, the doll, Charlie, is walking down a sidewalk, where he encounters a man waiting at a bus stop, feeding the pigeons)

Charlie: Hey! Stop being cruel to the birds!

Man: I'm not. (points to the seeds) These are organic.

Charlie: Oh? You like organic - living matter? Well, I'll show you how they're made! (grabs the man by the neck)

(Camera cuts to Constantinos as we hear offscreen slashing. He tries to scream, but realizes he can't, so he runs all the way to an opera show and yells from there)

(The audience applauses him)

(Back at the theater, Charlie is chasing his owner, aka a young boy, but then he trips due to untied shoe laces)

Charlie: I want to "axe" you a question! (tosses an oversized axe at him, causing his head to cartoonishly get chopped off)

Stanley: Lame.

(Constantinos is shivering and hiding in Dallas' eardrums)

(In the movie, a teenager is trying to get out of his house, but all the doors seem to be locked)

Teenager: WHO IS LOCKING ALL THESE DOORS?!

(A locksmith is seen in the background)

Locksmith: Sorry. (walks away)

(The teenager is in relief, but once he turns around, Charlie tackles him to the ground and we hear a chainsaw starting up)

(A newsboy is seen on a busy sidewalk)

Newsboy: Extra, extra! A local doll is on the loose, feeling neglected due to the rise of video games!

(Static pops up for a bit, and Charlie pops out from nowhere)

Charlie: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD! (tosses his axe at the newsboy's neck)

(The strolling pedestrians scream and flee)

(Two bank robbers are seen, sprinting for their lives)

Bank Robber #1: Come on come on come ON!!!!

Bank Robber #2: He's gaining on us!

(Charlie pops out of nowhere)

Charlie: (maniacally laughs) Hands in the air, thugs! (prepares to swing his axe, but then the first robber sprays pepper spray in his eyes) AAUGH! Pepper spray! My only weakness.

(The second bank robber punches him)

Charlie: Punches! My only other weakness.

(And the first whips out a baseball bat)

Charlie: Baseball bats, my only other OTHER weak- (to the audience) ok, you get the point.

(Cut to a time card)

The Narrator: 97 minutes later...

(The credits are rolling, but they're the credits for this episode. Camera focuses on the gang)

Dallas: Well, that was corny.

Stanley: Who the heck wrote the script for THAT?

Dallas: You could tell the budget was non-existent.

Joey: Besides, what kind of moron would be scared of that?

(Camera immediately cuts to Constantinos running down the street, screaming in horror. Suddenly, he gets run over by a speeding eighteen-wheeler. He weakly gets back up, regaining his posture)

Constantinos: (shakes his head, turning it back to its regular shape. A bunch of dolls circle his head, and he weakly punches each one) Hmph. I ain't afraid of no dolls.

(A mother passes by, taking her baby out for a walk, with the baby in a stroller. The baby is holding a doll)

Constantinos: (points ot the doll) A-HA! Like that one! Yeah, I see you giving me that funny look, creep. Start walking, bub.

(The mother whacks him with her purse, knocking him over. She walks away, visibly weirded out)

(We see the sun quickly setting, and in an instant, it's now nighttime)

Constantinos: (gulps) Act natural.

(He walks through Lakeside Park, but then hears a bush rumbling. He immediately gets scared and tiptoes over to investigate. He opens the bush, only to see a group of ducks practicing ballet)

Mallard Duck: (in a deep, manly voice) Occupied.

Constantinos: AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!! (takes off faster than the speed of light)

(He runs back to Avenue A Apartment, and he screams all while taking the stairs. He stops at his apartment door to take a breath, and opens the door. Suddenly, the camera zooms up dramatically on a pink teddy bear, and he screams bloody murder)

Constantinos: (pointing) K-k-killer, d-d-d-doll! (his head explodes out of fear, and his lifeless corpse collapses)

Teddy Bear: Mama.

(Later, he's now dressed in his pajamas)

Constantinos: (sets down a glass of milk on his nightstand) Well, (gulps and lays down) good night, apartment. (turns off the ceiling lamp)

(It is now completely dark. We hear him shivering, but then we also hear a monstrous rumble. Constantinos screams, and turns on the light)

Constantinos: Oh. Just the fridge. (nervously laughs) No monsters here! (flicks the lights back off)

(Outside the apartment, we hear him constantly screaming and the lights turning on and off, back and forth)

(That Monday, the camera cuts to the school)

Dallas: Hey guys, have you seen Constantinos?

(Constantinos walks up to the gang, and we see a disturbing closeup of his face, which has bloodshot eyes, sweat, eye boogers, a stubble, zits and grease)

Eric: Whoa, you look like our mother after "grocery shopping".

Constantinos: Oh, I'm ok, guys. I just stayed up all night studying. Don't you just hate it when-

(Joey takes out his stuffed rabbit, causing Constantinos to scream bloody murder and run away)

(Later, we hear the dismissal bell ringing. Constantinos slowly walks out)

Constantinos: Grow a pair, Constantinos. It's just one tiny thing out of all your other insecurities.

(Unfortunately, he passes by the school's playground and sees Noah playing with his teddy bear)

Noah: Goo gah goo!

Constantinos: (screams so hard the sun shatters) BWWWAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! (it is now nighttime thanks to his scream, and he takes off faster than the eye can see and sprints into the city. He stops at a pole to take a breath)

(Suddenly, he sees a children's dentist with a teddy bear as its mascot. His eyes pop out of his sockets as he screams, and he takes shelter in a nearby building)

(He slips on a wet floor that doesn't have a "wet floor" sign and crashes into a wall. He opens his eyes, but what he sees is a bunch of dolls, and the camera pans out to reveal he's inside a toy store)

(Constantinos looks at the dolls, and they become demonic)

Constantinos: (immediately stands up and walks backwards) GAH!

(A pile of clown dolls fall on him, and he screams bloody murder. A door has somehow been made on the pile, which he barges through, and he runs out of the store. A clerk walks up towards the mess)

Clerk: That's the seventh lost child this week.

(Constantinos ends up running faster than the speed of sound, so as a result, he screams silently as he runs to his apartment. He slams the door, but there's no sound. As he catches his breath, we hear his scream from earlier and the door slamming)

(Suddenly, we hear knocking on the door. The camera zooms into Constantinos' chest, where his heart literally drops - just like a thermometor)

(He opens the door, and screams... but it's just Stanley)

Constantinos: Stanley! That is highly frowned upon where I come from!

Stanley: Oh, well, pardon my temerity, mate. But your constant nightly screaming is giving me tinnitus. What's wrong?!

Constantinos: I...I...I'm just afraid of that movie we saw the other night! (puts his head down in shame) I'm sorry.

(Stanley sighs, and the camera transitions to the both of them sitting down on Constantinos' crappy kitchen table)

Stanley: Constantinos, (pulls out a flash card, which displays "5.961 billion") what is this?

Constantinos: The world population.

Stanley: Correct, and it's also how MUCH you've screamed in the span of four days. Listen, why don't you sleep with the lights on?

Constantinos: Lights, on?

Stanley: Yeah! So you won't be scared silly.

Constantinos: Well, I can't afford to pay off my electric bills, but if it means getting rid of my fear, then...

(Camera immediately cuts to him about to turn the lights on)

Constantinos: Good night, Stanley.

Stanley: Good night, chum. (walks out and closes the door)

(He flicks the lights on and closes his eyes)

(Camera focuses on his grandfather clock. Later, it is now 11:30pm. Constantinos is snoring away, but the light proves to be too much. It starts melting his eyelids off, and his eyes become bloodshot in an instant. He screams bloody murder and turns the shower on to rinse his eyes out, but it turns out he accidentally turned the hot water on, causing him to scream louder)

(Upstairs, Stanley grabs Sierra by the neck and jams her through his ears to block out the screaming)

(We see Paul sleeping)

Paul: (sleep talking) Sorry you didn't like your order... (snores) sir. (goes back to snoring)

(The screaming is now causing the Pearson's roof to crumble. The brothers are in the living room to investigate)

Eric: Joey is warming up for choir again, right?

Edward: No, allow me to check it out. (walks out)

Eric: (salutes, with the American flag in the background) You brave soldier.

(Edward knocks on Constantinos' door, and the latter's eyes turn bloodshot)

Constantinos: I can feel it. Charlie's coming for me. (suddenly, he becomes stern) No! No more cowering!

(The knocking gets louder)

(He puts on goggles, a football helmet, pillows on both his stomach and back, oven gloves and boots. He grabs a tennis racket and opens the door)

Edward: Hi-

(Constantinos bashes Edward's skull repeatedly whilst screaming bloody murder. Edward constantly screams in pain. He stomps on Edward's skull, caving it into the ground. He grabs a flamethrower out of nowhere and burns him into a crisp, making Edward scream louder. Edward is now a pile of dust)

Constantinos: Oh! Edward. (puts his gear and weapons away) It's you.

Edward: Well, thanks for the warm welcome. (his ashes get blown away by the AC)

Constantinos: I'm sorry, Edward. I've just been jumpy lately, and I need your help.

(Edward is staring blankly)

Constantinos: I'm afraid of dolls now.

(Same as before)

Constantinos: Can't you see that movie we watched made me afraid of them?!

(And again)

Constantinos: (points to his pink teddy bear in the corner and whispers) There's one here, right now.

(You know the gist)

Edward: (sighs) The things I do for my friends.

Constantinos: Sad, I know.

Edward: (walks up to it) Well, nothing seems abnormal here.

(He squeezes the teddy bear)

Teddy Bear: Mama.

Edward: Except for one thing.

Constantinos: Oh no... (jams oversized ear plugs into his eardrums)

Edward: (camera pans out) Your living quarters are quite unsanitary.

Constantinos: (the ear plugs zip out) Huh. You're right. Perhaps it'll cleanse of any spirits.

(Cut to live-action stock footage of a man performing a rimshot)

Edward: Well, if that's what you believe, then...

(Camera immediately cuts to a montage of the duo deep-cleaning the apartment)

(Constantinos mops the kitchen area and cleans the inside of the oven, but he realizes too late it has been on for a while now. Edward dusts off the sofa and coffee table, but ends up sneezing and having the furniture fall on him. Constantinos is cleaning his toilet, but when he leans in a little too much, he accidentally flushes himself and loudly screams. We hear brushing inside the freezer, and the freezer opens, where we see Edward frozen solid in a block of ice. It slides out and shatters to pieces. Constantinos is applying cement to the walls, but he accidentally applies some to himself and gets trapped inside the walls. He screams for help. Edward is rearranging wires, but gets zapped into a live-action piece of bacon)

(Later, Edward sets his sleeping bag near Constantinos' bed, and both are prepared to sleep)

Edward: Well, now that we're back from the medical infirmary and our wounds have healed within a transition, this place looks better than ever!

Constantinos: Thanks, Edward.

Edward: No problem, buddy. Good night.

Constantinos: Good night. (turns to his other side and falls asleep)

(However, he doesn't turn the light off. Edward is visibly bothered)

(He turns the lights off. Constantinos is heard shivering in fright, and he turns the lights back on. Edward turns them back off. Constantinos is close to screaming, so he turns them back on. Edward extends his tongue and turns it off. Constantinos is already clinging onto the switch, turning it back on. Edward grunts and turns it back off. On and off. On and off. On and off. On and off. On and off. On and off. This goes on until a catchy musical rhythm is made from the constant flickering)

Edward: (record scratch) ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!!! (turns calm within a nanosecond) Sorry.

Constantinos: (starts crying) You...you...

Edward: Constantinos, I said I was-

(He bursts into tears hysterically)

Edward: (pats his back) There, there. (picks him up) Come on, I said I was sorry.

Constantinos: Oh, it's not that. (sniffles) I am just so sad you put a halt to that catchy tune we made! (cries) It's my home's taste in music!

Edward: Well, I don't mean to cause offense, but that's not the current main focus. Your fears, remember?

Constantinos: (turns back to normal within a nanosecond) Right.

Edward: Here, (takes out two oversized futuristic headsets) put on these paranormal-detecting goggles I made.

(They do so, and we catch a glimpse of what they're seeing through the headsets. In it, there's a distorted figure through the walls)

Edward: (visibly horrified) Ok, NOW I see why you're scared!

(The creature grabs a knife out of a drawer)

Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(They run so fast the headsets fall off from their heads, and they shiver in the corner)

Constantinos: Edward! How did the characters in the movie solve the problem again?!

Edward: They...all...DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD!!!!!

(A bolt of lightning violently sounds off in the sky, which transitions to the "creature", who is actually Eric reaching for a kitchen knife. He digs the knife into a chocolate cake)

Eric: They'll believe I flossed. (eats the slice in one bite)

(Camera cuts back to Constantinos' apartment. The both are running in circles, but then they bump into each other and collapse)

Edward: (gets back up) Hey Constantinos, have you always had blood on the walls?

Constantinos: (his head slowly turns back) N-no...

(The camera focuses on the "blood". Edward screams so hard his entire body explodes. Constantinos goes through the same fate as well)

Paul: (offscreen) Edward, it's too late for experiments!

(Suddenly, the camera focuses on the source of the "blood", which is just a spilled bucket of red paint)

(Later, the both are completely healed as if nothing happened)

Edward: Man, those nurses are polite, aren't they?

Constantinos: Sure are, buddy.

Edward: Now where were we?

(The lights turn off by themselves)

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