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Spice of Life is episode 2a of Edward and Eric. It premiered on Kids' WB on September 12, 1998.

Synopsis

Dallas makes it his mission to whip Edward into shape. However, Dallas does not seem to notice that his attempts aren't working...

Cast

Trivia

  • This segment is available to watch on the There's No Place Like Home DVD, as well as The Complete First Season DVD boxset.
  • This is Dallas' first major appearance.
  • Dallas ordering Edward to wash his car, paint fences, and sand the floor is a reference to the 1984 film, The Karate Kid.
  • Dancing the Hula by Kapono Beamer serves as the title card track for this episode.
  • This episode marks the first usage of several tracks:
  • This episode is a notable example of Early Installment Weirdness.
    • Dallas is a victim of the "jock" stereotype, since he is overconfident and a little airheaded. He isn't like this is any other episode.
    • At the end of the episode, Dallas presumably beats up Edward, which is generally something he would NEVER even consider doing.
    • At the beginning, Dallas openly makes fun of Edward. As said before, this is something he would NEVER do.
    • Eric is actually the first person to warn Edward about becoming "extreme" just like Dallas. In any other episode, it would be the other way around.

Transcript

(The episode begins in the school's gym)

The Narrator: Ah, gym class at Lakeside City School, where it feels more like boot camp than anything else. Taught by nobody other than Coach Monumental, today his students are taking a national fitness test. Let's see if their results will be good.

Coach Monumental: (blows a whistle) ALRIGHT, YOU MAGGOTS! TODAY WE WILL BE TAKING A PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST! AND ONCE YOU'RE DONE, THE RESULTS WILL BE SUBMITTED TO STATE OFFICIALS! SO I WANT YOU ALL TO AVOID SLACKIN' OFF AND GET YOUR BUTTS TO WORK HARDER THAN YOU EVER HAVE THIS SEMESTER! IT WILL TEST YOUR ENDURANCE SO YOU MUST TAKE IT SERIOUS!!!!

Tony: Oh god, not the fitness test!

(Camera pans through the test's layout. There's a long track, a trail of barbed wire, an ice cold pool filled with angry sharks, an electric fence, a mountain of burning tires, a lake of boiling acid, an endless cliff, a crusher, a bunch of monsters that look like they came out of a story by H.P. Lovecraft, and a river that consists entirely of glass)

Coach Monumental: IT WILL GET MORE DIFFICULT AS YOU PROGRESS AND I'M NOT GOING TO ALLOW ANY SOY DRINKERS!!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU FEEL LIKE DYING HALFWAY THROUGH!!! BROKEN BONES DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'!!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO WARM UP BEFORE IT STARTS!!!!

(The P.E. class takes off, and the camera cuts to everybody getting prepared for the fitness test)

Edward: Well, Eric, I'm screwed. I always fail the fitness test, and I'm out of options.

(Suddenly, we hear large footsteps, and it turns out to be Dallas. He swoops into the scene at Mach 5 speeds so he can stop a bully from stealing a kid's lunch money. He pins the bully down and throws him through a basketball hoop)

Everyone: Whoa.

(The bully's cronies come in to defend him, but Dallas effortlessly deals with all of them. In fact, he beats them up while simply tying his shoes. His punches are also strong enough to cause a city-wide earthquake, and the entire P.E building falls apart. Everybody emerges from the rubble unharmed)

Christian: Who the heck is that?

Tony: That's Dallas Jones. He's the strongest and most respected teen in town!

Dallas: Oops, sorry about that, fellas. I was about to participate in Leg Day until I saw a jerk hassling a kid.

(Everybody fanboys over Dallas)

Skipper: So, Dallas, how do you do it?

Dallas: Do what?

Skipper: What's the secret?

Dallas: To what?!

Skipper: As in, how are you so strong?

Dallas: Oh yeah! Well, it's real easy. I started a workout plan long ago. Egg omelettes for breakfast, salad for lunch, seafood for dinner, fruits for dessert. And for exercise, I was pumping iron, doing lots of cardio, turning speed into velocity, and deadlifting entire buildings. Sometimes I'd also get shots on my forehead and lips.

Everybody: Whoa.

Dallas: All of that is what makes hot girls get in my bed! Before I did that workout plan, I was rail as a thin. Like (points to Edward) him.

(Everybody laughs at Edward)

Dallas: Look at him. He has a wicked Adam's apple (disturbing closeup of Edward's Adam's apple), the stomach of a shaved cat (closeup of his skinny stomach), and he's as light as a feather. (he slightly pokes Edward, which causes him to get blown away by the force of the poke)

Coach Monumental: No time for dilly-dallying! THE TEST HAS ALREADY STARTED!

(Edward is already far behind)

Edward: Crap. (he tries to catch up with the rest of the class)

(Dallas leaves)

(About a week later, P.E class starts once again)

Coach Monumental: ALRIGHT! RESULTS FOR LAST WEEK'S PHYSICAL TEST HAVE JUST CAME IN! LET'S SEE HOW EVERYBODY DID!

(Monumental rips apart an envelope and looks at the paper that was in it)

Coach Monumental: (under his breath) Dear god. Oh, dear god, is that even possible?!

(Edward gulps)

Coach Monumental: (gets angrier the more he reads the paper, and crumbles it) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! A CERTAIN NINTH GRADER HERE, (Edward knows he's talking about him) DID SO POORLY HE'S NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SCHOOL HAVING THE WORST SCORE IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!

(The entire class except for Eric angrily stares at him)

Coach Monumental: Well, you all know what this means! (cracks his knuckles)

(Edward's pupils shrink, and everybody lunges at him to beat him up. Edward screams and quickly heads for the exit to avoid being pummeled to possible death, but he gets grabbed by the legs and screams harder as he's dragged away)

(Later, Edward walks out of the P.E. building with a few band-aids on his body. Suddenly, he sees none other than...)

Edward: Dallas!

Dallas: What's the deal, pinwheel?

Edward: Dallas, I need your help! You were right about me! I'm a weakling! And it turns out I made the school's fitness test grade the lowest in the entire-

Dallas: Oh, I heard about THAT. I can't believe you would've done that! My future is ruined and they'll think I'm a fat nobody! (he hits his head against the P.E. building's wall out of anger)

Edward: Dallas, you need to chill.

Dallas: (his forehead now has a purple bruise on it) I am calm. Now what were you saying?

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