This article is a transcript of the Edward and Eric film, The Edward and Eric Movie, which was released in theaters on June 27, 2003.
Opening[]
(The movie starts with the Warner Bros. Pictures opening logo followed by "Warner Bros. presents..." and then "A production by Chatterbox Productions")
(The screen fades to black, and it cuts to a relaxing long-shot view of the neighborhood at nighttime. It is dead empty, and the only sounds are coming from a jackhammer and a factory whistle blaring in the distance. Smog is dominating the atmosphere. The movie's title appears on the screen)
(Avenue A Apartment's lobby is shown, heavily demolished. Much like the streets, nobody is around, and the only sounds are from the dim lights)
(The list of the movie's writers are shown on a black screen in white text)
(The downtown streets are deserted. A Chinese restaurant's lights constantly flicker before burning out. A newspaper gently flies through from a gust of wind. A car alarm sounds off in the distance, and pieces of broken glass quietly land on the sidewalk)
(The names of the storyboard artists are credited as well)
(Paul's pizza delivery van is abandoned, having crashed into a fire hydrant. The windshield is broken, and its tires are popped, which means he must have been driving before something stopped him. The breeze blows again, and some plants from a florist business come loose and float to the other side of the street, where we see remains of shattered stone and remnants of a large explosion)
(Composer: Shawn Lee)
(Lightning loudly flashes, and we see a hardly recognizable Pearson Pizza and Breault Burgers, both of which are destroyed. A "WANTED" poster has been tacked onto a street pole, but the culprits in the image are intentionally made to be unidentifiable as of now. There are several skid marks on the road)
(Directed by Gary Sauls)
(The camera fades again, and it cuts to the AMC Empire 25 theater in New York City. A 1964 Volkswagen Beetle pulls up across the street from the theater. Andrew Rannells and his dog, Jacob, come out of the car)
Andrew: Hey, thanks for the lift, Mom!
(The car drives away quickly, leaving smoke. He coughs, then he recognizes the audience)
Andrew: Oh, hi folks! It's your ol' pal, Andrew Rannells - Edward Pearson's biggest fan. And I'm here today in the Big Apple, because me and my trusty sidekick, Jacob the Dog, just got tickets to The Edward and Eric Movie! Jacob, why don't you say hi to the nice folks, hmm?
Jacob: (barks) I'm only here for the catnip.
Andrew: Jacob, you know that does peculiar things to that tiny little brain of yours!
Jacob: (barks) That's funny coming from you.
(Suddenly, a taxi nearly hits Andrew, and the driver honks his horn)
Andrew: Hey, watch where you're going! (continues walking as the driver yells back in frustration)
(Andrew and Jacob walk up to the front of the theater)
Andrew: Hello, ma'am. These are two tickets for The Edward and Eric Movie.
Clerk: Alright, sir, that'll be- (recognizes Jacob and gasps) Did you bring a dog in with you?!
Andrew: (stutters) N-no, ma'am, that's just my kid. It's allergy season, you know.
(Two security guards approach Andrew from behind and they grab him by the arms. He gets beaten to a pulp offscreen and is thrown in a police car)
Jacob: (holds a ticket in his mouth) I have one ticket for The Edward and Eric Movie.
(The scene immediately cuts to Jacob getting popcorn, soda and candy from the concession stand and into the viewing room. He sits down as the movie finally commences)
Good Morning, Lakeside[]
(Calming jazz music starts as we get a good view of Lakeside's skyline, where the sun is shining)
The Narrator: Ah, hello there, folks, and welcome to this wild corner of the state of New York, teeming with all sorts of American life!
(We see Tony walking out of a Mexican restaurant with a breakfast taco that has everything on it - even fish)
The Narrator: Well, not THAT American.
(The camera pans to Avenue A Apartment)
The Narrator: It is here we see the adventurous habitat known as, Lakeside City! We shall observe as the sun takes its daily rise on a beautiful day that may not be like any other. This apartment is home to one of the most fascinating primates of all...
(Edward in his bedroom and he wakes up just as his alarm rings)
The Narrator: The nerdy teenager, Edward Pearson!
Edward: (opens his window and inhales the air) What a fabulous day!
(A song starts. We see Edward rushing to the bathroom, and he starts brushing his teeth)
Edward: (singing) I'm preparing a bright, shiny smile, for everyone I pass through. (zips to the kitchen) Prepared breakfast for my owl, he deserves some love too.
Oscar: (hoots in a sarcastic manner as he eats some "organic" bird pellets)
Edward: (rushes out the door and does some acrobatics to reach the apartment's roof) I try my best to make every day an adventure, but I certainly don't mean to be like a wooden denture!
(The camera zooms into Esmond's window, where his old dentures fall off)
Old Man Esmond: Hey!
Edward: Somewhere I must go whether they like it or not, is where I get graded! (a large A+++ grade falls on the apartment and demolishes it, however Edward dashes out completely unharmed as the citizens shout at him) I have to be extra careful, it's where it will lead me to my dreams! (looks at his reflection) The lucky kid in the mirror has just enough extremes! They will take me to places I'd never imagine!
(Edward falls down to the front entrance of the apartment, where he eagerly waits for the rest of The Lucky 6)
Edward: Oh how I love the home I call Lakeside City! It's always so lovely, and the spots are never quite gritty! Good morning, Lakeside! Good morning, Lakeside!
(Eric opens his bedroom window, where he falls down due to his drowsiness, and he lands on a fire hydrant)
Eric: OW! Morning already?
Edward: Hello, Eric!
Eric: What is this, a musical film?
Edward: Just a musical segment!
Eric: Jeez, this is a cheap movie. (gasps) Ooh, I wanna sing! I wanna sing! (singing) There's so many hours in a day, but I can't seem to fit them in, because TV is no play.
(Eric is sucked into a TV where he goes through the world of Match Boy & Girl world, which is covered in halftones)
Eric: I'm catching up on Match Boy & Girl, (he dodges lasers from Radiation Ray as he sings) and it's like a rare pearl! So much action that makes me drawn, I must be dreaming! TV takes me to worlds I've never gone!
(Match Boy punches Radiation Ray, and we see a "BORING!" pow-bubble)
Joey: HEY! I'm catching up on my beauty sleep!
Edward and Eric: Morning, Joey!
Joey: (singing) Peace and quiet is unheard of, when all your friends are a shove. The world can't just seem to accept a great guy, and that guy is me! I can go as high as the sky!
Edward: (checks his beeping watch and gasps) Oh man, we better get going! I'll see you at school!
Joey: You mean seven consecutive hours of prison? I mean, both have bells that tell you when to go eat, see your friends, and go back to wallowing.
(We see students arriving at Lakeside City School)
The Narrator: Ah yes, Lakeside City School - the most elite school in the country, where faculty are paid minimum wage and the education is much lower.
(The camera pans to Pearson Pizza)
The Narrator: And here we see Pearson Pizza, home to the namesake pizza, all while being owned and operated by Paul Pearson!
(We see a person eating a breakfast sandwich from Breault Burgers, but upon a single bite, he vomits)
Paul: (singing) The sky is sunny and clear, just the perfect day for a pizza, cooked without a sneer! The food is just like Grandma used to make, so why not stop by during your break?
(Walker is looking at Pearson Pizza's success through his telescope and he grunts)
Principal Walker: (singing) Underestimate me, will he? There's not much time, you old fart, the clock's ticking for three! I have a great scheme where the town will eat out the palm of my hand, and it's no joke! There's no minor setbacks when all of this has been planned.
Diane: (speaking) You mean your one thousandth plan that "certainly can't fail"?
Principal Walker: (singing) With the sheer power of capitalism, everybody will love my Walker Wings! You can't call me dumb, as people will treat me like kings! It's such a foolproof plan, nobody's ever going to scan.
(Edward is walking down the street to school)
Edward: Hi, Mrs. White!
Mrs. White: AAAAAAHHHH!!!! Edward, please! You could've broken a nail.
(Travis walks by, and every time he walks, he's basically stomping)
Edward: Hi, Tra- (gets crushed)
Travis: Sorry, little buddy. (laughs)
(Edward is now like an accordion, but then he reforms himself)
Edward: Hello, Tony and Skipper!
Skipper: Sup, dude.
Tony: Yo, Eddy. I'm just eating my pre-pre-pre-breakfast meal. (eats a deep fried egg-bacon-croissant-and-cheese sandwich on a stick)
Edward: Good morning, bus driver!
(He gets run over, however he laughs it off as he reforms himself)
Edward: Hello, street! Hi there, stop sign! Greetings, sidewalk! Hey, storyboard artist!
(The Animator in the Sky looks at the storyboard panel creeped out)
Edward: How's it going, school? (kisses the building and jumps in midair) AND GOOD MORNING, LAKESIDE!
Everyone: (singing) The traffic's bad as usual, and the air reeks, but man the day ain't delusional! The sun is in the sky in our hometown, Lakeside City! There's no place like home and it's so pretty! There's no place like home and it's so pretty! So pretty! So pretty! So pretty! It's such a free, excellent day! Hey! Hey! Hey! Good morning, good morning, good morning! Good morning, good morning, good morning, Lakeside!
(Edward is still stuck in midair)
Edward: Somebody please help me.
The School Day Begins[]
The Narrator: We shall start our adventure by getting a glimpse of the school, home to hardly-enforced rules and ordinary teenagers.
Joey: (to The Narrator) Oh, I'm sorry, but there is NOTHING "ordinary" about me - Joey Maldanado! (sits in his desk) This student crap is just a temporary thing. I plan on getting outta this dump, (takes out a record label that his his own song on it) and THIS is the ticket! I'm gonna be a star!
(We see a closeup of the record label, which is titled "Joey's Priceless Romance Songs" and it has a photo of him posing, with fake abs drawn on his fat stomach)
Joey: A song starring a young, handsome, (disturbing closeup of his hairy legs, which is filled with bruises and dirt) and well-built man! Me! My mother always said I belong somewhere on the stage. Now all I need to get my creative juice flowin' is some peace and quiet.
(Eric suddenly runs to Joey's desk so fast that the desk is set on fire and it burns to ashes)
Joey: (gasps and picks up the scatters of ashes) NOOOOO! MY MASTERPIECE! WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYYY?!!? (sobs)
Eric: Don't be such a party pooper, Joey! There are no classes today! (suddenly, he looks down and realizes the ashes. He picks them up and blows them away into the air, where they scatter to particles) Farewell, good friends!
(Joey cries harder)
(In the hallway, Edward, Eric and Joey head for the exit to go to the Gym. Throughout the hall, there is a lot of unmonitored mayhem occurring)
(Principal Walker steps up to his office window and observes everything, readjusting his glasses every now and then. He lets out a huge sigh, which slightly fogs up his window)
Principal Walker: Goodman?
(The camera pans over to reveal Mr. Goodman, who is in a maid’s uniform as he dusts Walker’s file cabinets. He tears it off, revealing his normal attire)
Mr. Goodman: Yes, sir?
Principal Walker: How did I manage to get put in charge of such derelicts?
Mr. Goodman: Because your master’s degree is a fraud and the administration never noticed, sir.
Principal Walker: Can’t deny that, but these students can’t do anything for themselves. I don’t know how kids went from working in coal factories to… (points at his window) this. (and then he points to one of his file cabinets) Make sure you didn’t miss a spot there.
Mr. Goodman: Yes, sir. (dusts off a spot he indeed missed)
Principal Walker: Goodman, are you aware that the whole time I’ve been principal here at Lakeside City School, I have never been treated with respect from anybody, except for you?
Mr. Goodman: Debatable, sir. But I do have the utmost respect for you.
Principal Walker: Yes, yes, save the obvious for lunch. But when I saw that glasses boy, his brother, and the bald-headed friend, it reminded me of the fury boiled deep inside me.
Mr. Goodman: (scrubbing the office windows) Sounds painful on the guts, sir.
Principal Walker: Those brothers have such miscreants for friends. And I know the average alumni of American high schools end up as criminals, but their actions are inexcusable! They have been pushing me - testing me - more than the rest of the students.
Mr. Goodman: I pity you, sir.
Principal Walker: Don’t you remember when the dimwitted brother sent the FBI in here just because I wanted a birthday party to myself? He said, (mimicking Eric) “But Mr. Walker, you need friends! And people in sunglasses and black suits make cool friends!”. I WAS CAVITY SEARCHED!!!! But worst of all, my computer history was-
Mr. Goodman: Too much information there, sir.
Principal Walker: Well, that’s just the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. Remember when the greedy friend forged my signature to order his own personal HDTV for his dorm room? (grunts) Oh, I’ll show everybody to respect Gaylord Kenneth Walker! THE Iron Walker!
Mr. Goodman: Sorry, sir, but to get respected, you may have to change your first name.
Principal Walker: No need, Goodman.
(Walker approaches a “Stress Relief Kit: Bang Head Here” poster. He rips it off, revealing blueprints for a colossal statue of himself)
Principal Walker: I’ve got everything covered with my statue!
Mr. Goodman: (puts his hand on his chin in confusion) You, want a statue of yourself?
Principal Walker: It’s not any ordinary statue, Goodman!
Mr. Goodman: (under his breath) Saw that cliche saying coming.
Principal Walker: You see, Lakeside City has never truly had a statue that would represent themselves. Why? It’s quite simple! Just like any major city, the old men who run this city today had their fathers running it before them. And their fathers before them. The same names are on the new buildings, just like on the old ones. But Lakeside never bothered with that!
(A better view of the blueprints are shown)
Principal Walker: I’ve fought for a long time to get a statue that will represent the city, but the mayor approves now. He thinks I’m...charismatic, and a powerful leader, since I’m the only principal in this town. (rubs his hands together) Charismatic! Powerful leader! Exactly what I need to hear!
(Cut to the gym, where it's crowded)
Skipper: Step right up, for end-of-the-school-year sales! In effect now! Shaving cream, water balloons, fire crackers, itching powder and phonebooks - all for good prices!
Christian: What?
Charles: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A PHONEBOOK IS!
(Both walk away)
Skipper: No! Wait! Come back!
(We see Edward, Eric and Joey waiting near the bleachers)
Edward: Where could Dallas, Stanley and Constantinos be? They said they would be here today.
(Suddenly, distant screaming is heard)
Edward: Well, that answers one of my questions.
(The camera pans over to the hallway to reveal Carver chasing after Constantinos in hot pursuit)
Carver: Get back here, squirt! You owe me lunch money!
Constantinos: (heavily panting) It’s the, (pants heavier) last day of school, Carver! I spent it yesterday!
(This only makes Carver angrier. He runs faster, and Constantinos runs faster as well, screaming loudly)
(Down the hallway, Igor and Abdul are in their swim gear, wearing goggles. Charles is walking beside them)
Igor: Did you see something, Abdul?
Abdul: I can’t see anything.
Charles: (facepalms) Do you imbeciles really need to wear your goggles before you dive into the pool?
Igor: I don’t know, Charles, but you’ll be sorry you called us that, (flexes his non-existent muscles) ‘cause I’ve got my floaties!
(Constantinos continues screaming as he performs complex backflips through the halls to dodge Carver’s punches)
Constantinos: (from the distance) WATCH OOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!!
(Igor, Abdul and Charles quickly notice this. In fact, the chase has worsened, as Carver is now angrier than ever)
Charles: WHAT IN THE-?!
(Igor and Abdul try to take off, but they only bump into each other. Charles zips away)
(Eventually, the duo gets off the ground, and they run before Carver and Constantinos can collide into them)
(Igor, Abdul and Charles run down the hallway)
Charles: Quick, split up!
(Igor trips on his shoelace and lands in an open locker [which immediately slams shut], while Abdul falls into the wall. Charles continues running down the hallway)
Charles: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!
(He zooms past the door of the teacher’s lounge. Inside, Mrs. White is preparing a cup of coffee while relaxing music plays)
(Constantinos bursts through the wall, screaming. Carver follows suit and knocks over Mrs. White)
(The chase extends into the cafeteria, where Constantinos sprints down a long table, ruining everybody’s foods)
Constantinos: (rapidly speaking) Excusemepardonmeforgivemesosorry!
(He leaps above Dallas)
Constantinos: DALLAAAAAAAS!!!!!
(Beat)
Dallas: Was that a kidney stone passing a kidney stone?
(He takes a glance, but then everybody runs out of the cafeteria screaming, and they run to the Gym)
(Outside, Constantinos is running through the flower field)
Carver: You’re gonna regret this! Now I’ll never pay my taxes!
Constantinos: (crawls through the flowers) Just work in minimum wage or something!
Carver: (mows through the flowers) Minimum wage is for losers! Do I look like a loser?!
Constantinos: (heads for the Gym) It’s kinda hard to look at you when you’re trying to kill me! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!
(In the Gym, Terry and Barry are about to take a photo for the yearbook. A group of students are in front of the wall)
Terry: Alright, guys, it’s time for the most anticipated, last-minute addition for the yearbook: the official Group Photo Interrupted by an Intense Chase Sequence That We Can Only Do with a Massive Movie Budget!
(Barry takes out a camera)
Barry: Now, say “cheese”!
(The students do so, until…)
Tamara: Hey, what if someone is lactose intole-
(Suddenly, in slow-mo, Constantinos dashes into the Gym, screaming. He runs into the students that are taking the group photo, knocking them over like bowling pins)
(The camera flashes, and in front is Constantinos screaming as Carver nearly grabs him by the leg)
(Constantinos falls to the ground and ends up sliding next to Edward, Eric and Joey)
Constantinos: (picks his head up) Oh, hey guys. Just doing one thing on my daily schedule - get chased, thanks to the way the schools in this country handle bullying.
(Carver storms up to him)
Edward: Dying with your friends is on your daily schedule too, (nervously gulps) right?
Carver: (cracks his knuckles and glances at Constantinos) Now, what was that about working in minimum wage, punk?
(Constantinos shivers in fright, until Dallas steps in front of him)
Dallas: He was probably suggesting if you keep this up, you’ll work in minimum wage forever. And if you lay a finger on him, you’ll have to work off your healthcare debt. (cracks his knuckles back at Carver)
Carver: (his pupils shrink in fear) Point taken. (anxiously steps away)
Constantinos: Thank you, Dallas.
Dallas: Yeah, no problem. All in a day’s work.