This article is a transcript of the Edward and Eric film, The Edward and Eric Movie, which was released in theaters on June 27, 2003.


[The movie starts with the Warner Bros. Pictures opening logo followed by "Warner Bros. presents..." and then "A production by Chatterbox Productions"]

[The screen fades to black, and it cuts to the AMC Empire 25 theater in New York City. A 1964 Volkswagen Beetle pulls up across the street from the theater. Andrew Rannells and his dog, Jacob, come out of the car]

Andrew: Hey, thanks for the lift, Mom!

(The car drives away quickly, leaving smoke. He coughs, then he recognizes the audience)

Andrew: Oh, hi folks! It's your ol' pal, Andrew Rannells - Edward Pearson's biggest fan. And I'm here today in the Big Apple, because me and my trusty sidekick, Jacob the Dog, just got tickets to The Edward and Eric Movie! Jacob, why don't you say hi to the nice folks, hmm?

Jacob: (barks) I'm only here for the catnip.

Andrew: Jacob, you know that does peculiar things to that tiny little brain of yours!

Jacob: (barks) That's funny coming from you.

(Suddenly, a taxi nearly hits Andrew, and the driver honks his horn)

Andrew: Hey, watch where you're going! (continues walking as the driver yells back in frustration)

(Andrew and Jacob walk up to the front of the theater)

Andrew: Hello, ma'am. These are two tickets for The Edward and Eric Movie.

Clerk: Alright, sir, that'll be- (recognizes Jacob and gasps) Did you bring a dog in with you?!

Andrew: (stutters) N-no, ma'am, that's just my kid. It's allergy season, you know.

(Two security guards approach Andrew from behind and they grab him by the arms. He gets beaten to a pulp offscreen and is thrown in a police car)

Jacob: (holds a ticket in his mouth) I have one ticket for The Edward and Eric Movie.

(The scene immediately cuts to Jacob getting popcorn, soda and candy from the concession stand and into the viewing room. He sits down as the movie finally commences)

Good Morning, Lakeside

(Calming jazz music starts as we get a good view of Lakeside's skyline, where the sun is shining)

The Narrator: Ah, hello there, folks, and welcome to this wild corner of the state of New York, teeming with all sorts of American life!

(We see Tony walking out of a Mexican restaurant with a breakfast taco that has everything on it - even fish)

The Narrator: Well, not THAT American.

(The camera pans to Avenue A Apartment)

The Narrator: It is here we see the adventurous habitat known as, Lakeside City! We shall observe as the sun takes its daily rise on a beautiful day that may not be like any other. This apartment is home to one of the most fascinating primates of all...

(Edward in his bedroom and he wakes up just as his alarm rings)

The Narrator: The nerdy teenager, Edward Pearson!

Edward: (opens his window and inhales the air) What a fabulous day!

(A song starts. We see Edward rushing to the bathroom, and he starts brushing his teeth)

Edward: (singing) I'm preparing a bright, shiny smile, for everyone I pass through. (zips to the kitchen) Prepared breakfast for my owl, he deserves some love too.

Oscar: (hoots in a sarcastic manner as he eats some "organic" bird pellets)

Edward: (rushes out the door and does some acrobatics to reach the apartment's roof) I try my best to make every day an adventure, but I certainly don't mean to be like a wooden denture!

(The camera zooms into Esmond's window, where his old dentures fall off)

Old Man Esmond: Hey!

Edward: Somewhere I must go whether they like it or not, is where I get graded! (a large A+++ grade falls on the apartment and demolishes it, however Edward dashes out completely unharmed as the citizens shout at him) I have to be extra careful, it's where it will lead me to my dreams! (looks at his reflection) The lucky kid in the mirror has just enough extremes! They will take me to places I'd never imagine!

(Edward falls down to the front entrance of the apartment, where he eagerly waits for the rest of The Lucky 6)

Edward: Oh how I love the home I call Lakeside City! It's always so lovely, and the spots are never quite gritty! Good morning, Lakeside! Good morning, Lakeside!

(Eric opens his bedroom window, where he falls down due to his drowsiness, and he lands on a fire hydrant)

Eric: OW! Morning already?

Edward: Hello, Eric!

Eric: What is this, a musical film?

Edward: Just a musical segment!

Eric: Jeez, this is a cheap movie. (gasps) Ooh, I wanna sing! I wanna sing! (singing) There's so many hours in a day, but I can't seem to fit them in, because TV is no play.

(Eric is sucked into a TV where he goes through the world of Match Boy & Girl world, which is covered in halftones)

Eric: I'm catching up on Match Boy & Girl, (he dodges lasers from Radiation Ray as he sings) and it's like a rare pearl! So much action that makes me drawn, I must be dreaming! TV takes me to worlds I've never gone!

(Match Boy punches Radiation Ray, and we see a "BORING!" pow-bubble)

Joey: HEY! I'm catching up on my beauty sleep!

Edward and Eric: Morning, Joey!

Joey: (singing) Peace and quiet is unheard of, when all your friends are a shove. The world can't just seem to accept a great guy, and that guy is me! I can go as high as the sky!

Edward: (checks his beeping watch and gasps) Oh man, we better get going! I'll see you at school!

Joey: You mean seven consecutive hours of prison? I mean, both have bells that tell you when to go eat, see your friends, and go back to wallowing.

(We see students arriving at Lakeside City School)

The Narrator: Ah yes, Lakeside City School - the most elite school in the country, where faculty are paid minimum wage and the education is much lower.

(The camera pans to Pearson Pizza)

The Narrator: And here we see Pearson Pizza, home to the namesake pizza, all while being owned and operated by Paul Pearson!

(We see a person eating a breakfast sandwich from Breault Burgers, but upon a single bite, he vomits)

Paul: (singing) The sky is sunny and clear, just the perfect day for a pizza, cooked without a sneer! The food is just like Grandma used to make, so why not stop by during your break?

(Walker is looking at Pearson Pizza's success through his telescope and he grunts)

Principal Walker: (singing) Underestimate me, will he? There's not much time, you old fart, the clock's ticking for three! I have a great scheme where the town will eat out the palm of my hand, and it's no joke! There's no minor setbacks when all of this has been planned.

Diane: (speaking) You mean your one thousandth plan that "certainly can't fail"?

Principal Walker: (singing) With the sheer power of capitalism, everybody will love my Walker Wings! You can't call me dumb, as people will treat me like kings! It's such a foolproof plan, nobody's ever going to scan. 

(Edward is walking down the street to school)

Edward: Hi, Mrs. White!

Mrs. White: AAAAAAHHHH!!!! Edward, please! You could've broken a nail.

(Travis walks by, and every time he walks, he's basically stomping)

Edward: Hi, Tra- (gets crushed)

Travis: Sorry, little buddy. (laughs)

(Edward is now like an accordion, but then he reforms himself)

Edward: Hello, Tony and Skipper!

Skipper: Sup, dude.

Tony: Yo, Eddy. I'm just eating my pre-pre-pre-breakfast meal. (eats a deep fried egg-bacon-croissant-and-cheese sandwich on a stick)

Edward: Good morning, bus driver!

(He gets run over, however he laughs it off as he reforms himself)

Edward: Hello, street! Hi there, stop sign! Greetings, sidewalk! Hey, storyboard artist!

(Gary Sauls looks at the storyboard panel creeped out)

Edward: How's it going, school? (kisses the building and jumps in midair) AND GOOD MORNING, LAKESIDE!

Everyone: (singing) The traffic's bad as usual, and the air reeks, but man the day ain't delusional! The sun is in the sky in our hometown, Lakeside City! There's no place like home and it's so pretty! There's no place like home and it's so pretty! So pretty! So pretty! So pretty! It's such a free, excellent day! Hey! Hey! Hey! Good morning, good morning, good morning! Good morning, good morning, good morning, Lakeside!

(Edward is still stuck in midair)

Edward: Somebody please help me.

The School Day Begins

The Narrator: We shall start our adventure by getting a glimpse of the school, home to hardly-enforced rules and ordinary teenagers.

Joey: (to The Narrator) Oh, I'm sorry, but there is NOTHING "ordinary" about me - Joey Maldanado! (sits in his desk) This student crap is just a temporary thing. I plan on getting outta this dump, (takes out a record label that his his own song on it) and THIS is the ticket! I'm gonna be a star!

(We see a closeup of the record label, which is titled "Joey's Priceless Romance Songs" and it has a photo of him posing, with fake abs drawn on his fat stomach)

Joey: A song starring a young, handsome, (disturbing closeup of his hairy legs, which is filled with bruises and dirt) and well-built man! Me! My mother always said I belong somewhere on the stage. Now all I need to get my creative juice flowin' is some peace and quiet.

(Eric suddenly runs to Joey's desk so fast that the desk is set on fire and it burns to ashes)

Joey: (gasps and picks up the scatters of ashes) NOOOOO! MY MASTERPIECE! WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYYY?!!? (sobs)

Eric: Don't be such a party pooper, Joey! There are no classes today! (suddenly, he looks down and realizes the ashes. He picks them up and blows them away into the air, where they scatter to particles) Farewell, good friends!

(Joey cries harder)

(Cut to the gym, where it's crowded)

Skipper: Step right up, for end-of-the-school-year sales! In effect now! Shaving cream, water balloons, fire crackers, itching powder and phonebooks - all for good prices!

Christian: What?


(Both walk away)

Skipper: No! Wait! Come back!

(We see The Lucky 6 meeting up with each other)

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